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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "The Princess and the Po" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
SHIFU: Princess Mei Li's peace mission is of the utmost importance. We can't afford any mistakes, Po.
PO: How come you never say, "We can't afford any mistakes, Tigress," or... [A cart full of noodle rolls passes them by.] Oh, noodle rolls! [Shifu grabs Po by the finger to keep him moving.] Ow, ow, ow, ow...
SHIFU: You have to get Princess Mei Li safely to the king to the Qidan. She may only be a child, but she is royalty.
[Though distracted by a group of children passing him by, Po is instantly brought to attention upon hearing this.]
PO: So, she's a kid princess! Oh man, I am perfect for this gig! [Po leaps in front of Shifu and the other masters, stopping them.] 'Cause if there's one thing I love, it's kids. And if there's one thing that loves me, it's also kids.
SHIFU: But she's also a princess. There's a strict protocol: Never make eye contact, always address her with deference, and avoid touching, unless absolutely necessary.
PO: What if she wants to hug my sheer awesomeness?!
[Princess Mei Li's voice is heard behind Po, arguing with her royal servants.]
MEI LI: STOP IT! Do not touch the royal silks! Kiss my feet! [Mei Li's goat servants proceed to kiss Mei Li's feet.] But wash them first! [Mei Li's goat servants wash Mei Li's feet tentatively, and then proceed to kiss them again. After, Mei Li motions downwards. The goat servants lay on their stomachs, forming a two stair ramp so that Mei Li may exit her carrying cart. Mei Li walks over to Po, angered.]
MEI LI: How DARE you keep me waiting! [Mei Li points a finger towards Mantis, Tigress, and Po, causing them to jump back.] I am a PRINCESS! If this happens again I shall have you all beheaded!
PO: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Behead everyone! Who's with...[Mei Li jabs Po in the gut with her imperial staff.] Ouph! [The imperial staff breaks.]
MEI LI: Insolent jiggly MESS! You broke my imperial staff!
[Po, with a worried look on his face, tries to blame the happening on Mei Li.]
PO: Nuh uh! You broke it!
MEI LI: You DARE accuse me of lying?! [Mei Li turns around, her servants instantly cowering.] I want him executed! At once! [Mei Li's servants drop their jaws in disbelief.]
[The two goat servants proceed to look at Mei Li, who instantly refutes their gazes.]
MEI LI: Don't look at me! [The servants cannot resist looking at Mei Li.] Don't you look at me! Don't! That! 'Ey! Phyzeeahh!
[There is a brief pause of awkwardness as Po and Shifu stare at Mei Li]
SHIFU: Your highness, this [Shifu steps out of the way of Po, introducing him.] is the Dragon Warrior.
PO: [Po sticks his arm out to greet the princess.] Nice to meet you your highness! [Mei Li slaps Po's hand out of the way.] Duuhh!
MEI LI: Oh. I guess I need you, butterball. So I won't have you executed. YET!
[Po tip-toes away in cowardice as Mei Li begins to yell at her servants.]
MEI LI: Who said you could SIT?!
[Mei Li walks towards her servants in anger. The camera pans back to Po, standing next to Tigress.]
PO: Hohoho! She's feisty, huh?
TIGRESS: I thought you said kids loved you?
PO: It could happen! She just needs a little, encouragement!
[Tigress and Mantis begin to laugh uncontrollably.]
PO: Oh you think I can't do it? There is no child that can resist the Dragon Warrior! I'm like a sandbox in a black and white playground covered in fur! I'll bet you both a foot massage that by the time we get to Qidan, she'll be eating out of my hand!
MANTIS: I'm in.
TIGRESS: Me too!
[Shifu walks towards Po, Tigress, and Mantis.]
PO: You'll see! I'm the Dragon Warrior! Kids LOVE the Dragon Warrior!
[Po exits off screen. Shifu motions for Tigress and Mantis to follow.]
PO: Heh, watch this!
[Mei Li enters her carrying cart, while Po attempts a funny act.]
PO: Oh your highness! [From under Mei Li's carrying cart, Po begins a puppet show, using a makeshift puppet made of twigs and straw.]
PUPPET (Voice of Po): [Po, dancing the puppet around.] Hi there Princess! My name is Mr. Baby Po! Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya!
PO: I made you, a puppet!
[Mei Li, to Po's excitement, grabs the puppet from Po's hand, stares at it, as if with happiness and joy, only to smack Po on the head with it. Po's eyes go cross, and he falls over, unconscious.]
FUNG: Gentleman, there it goes. Loads of gold, jade, fabrics.
GAHRI: Ooh fabrics.
[Fung is slightly irritated by Gahri's remark and scowls at him]
FUNG: And gold. Gentleman, and Gahri, that brat with the crown is our next target.
[The camera pans back to Princess Mei Li who is being carted off now accompanied by Po, Tigress and Mantis]
MEI LI: Let's go move it, move it, move it!
[The scene changes as the caravan travels and it starts to rain]
SERVANT: Your highness it's starting to rain.
MEI LI: You stupid clouds you are going to be in so much trouble.
[The scenery changes again and Mei Li repeatedly hits one of her servants, on the head, with the puppet that Po gave her]
MEI LI: Faster, quit bouncing, carry me higher, slow down.
MANTIS: Well Po, at least she likes your present.
[They continue walking and are surprised when some fire poppers explode near their feet]
[Po, Tigress and Mantis quickly turn around only to discover that it was Princess Mei Li throwing the fire poppers]
PO: Look out she's got fire poppers.
[Mei Li continues to throw fire poppers at Po who is trying to avoid getting hit, meanwhile Tigress and Mantis are amused by Po's dodges]
MANTIS: And the best part is that it will never ever get annoying.
[Po approaches Mei Li who is in hysterics]
PO: Hey there your high...princess...ness. Could you kind of you know, quit chucking those things at my friends.
[Mei Li disobeys and throws a popper on top of Po's head and it explodes]
PO: Appreciate it. So uh anyway look what I found, [Po pulls out a Mah Jong set] Mah Jong the most awesome tile based game ever. [Mei Li slaps it out of his hands and he quickly pulls out another game which she slaps out of his hands]
PO: Come on, if you don't like games what do you like.
[Off screen there are sounds of po screaming and fire poppers exploding while Tigress and mantis are still moving along]
MANTIS: You and the princess buddies yet.
[Po walks by covered in soot]
PO: It's a process.
[The scene changes as the caravan continues to travel]
PO: Hey your highness, want to hear a funny joke? [some poppers explode near Po] Guess not.
[The caravan stops to eat. Po walks up to Mei Li while wearing stilts]
PO: Princess, yo princess up here. [Po is juggling balls while on the stilts and Mei Li hits the base of the stilts causing Po to fall, landing next to Tigress and Mantis. Tigress remarks on Po's progress, with befriending Mei Li, sarcastically]
TIGRESS: Yeah, kids love you, right I see.
[Mantis laughs and they continue to travel]
MEI LI: Why aren't we there yet? Make the ground move faster. Don't you look at me!
[Mei Li throws fire poppers at Po, Tigress, and Mantis, the camera pans to the top of a cliff where Fung and his gang are spying on the group]
FUNG: Now's our chance to attack. For it is destiny for we, the strong, to conquer they, the weak, and by dint of force to take from them that which they hold most precious.
GAHRI: Do I have time to pee?
FUNG: No! [He yells throwing his helmet on the ground] Well if you hurry.
[Gahri runs off, the scene switches back to the princess and her caravan, Mei Li throws fire poppers at Tigress and Mantis startling them, Po walks up to Tigress and Mantis dressed like a clown]
PO: Do you think the princess likes clowns?
MANTIS: You don't look like a clown Po, you look like a lady.
[The warriors hear a sound coming from the nearby trees and they get into defensive positions]
MANTIS: What is it?
TIGRESS: I don't know, something.
MEI LI: Hey, no one is aloud to yell stop but me! [Mei Li jumps off of her cart and approaches the warriors and slaps them] I'll have you beheaded! I'll have you all beheaded! I'll make you behead yourselves!
[The group of crocodile bandits jumps down from above and surrounds the group]
FUNG: Looks like we're gonna do this the hard way.
[End of act 1]
[The bandits surround the group]
FUNG: You guys, take the tiger and the bug.
[Po, Tigress, and Mantis get into defensive positions]
FUNG: I'll handle the clown.
PO: See I do look like a clown.
[Gahri comes down from above wielding an axe. He tries to hit Tigress but she breaks the head of of the axe]
GAHRI: Uh, I gotta to pee again.
[Gahri starts running away but Tigress steps on his tail preventing him from leaving and flinging him back. A croc bandit tries to hit Mantis with an axe, but Mantis dodges the hit and nerve attacks the bandit]
MANTIS: Pressure point, hope you don't need that arm for the next couple days.
[Fung is rushing Po while swinging his axes, then he hits some trees and his axes get stuck]
FUNG: DARN IT ALL!!!
[Po takes off his clown nose]
PO: Not this time.
[Po kicks Fung, sending him back, then he wipes off his clown makeup and Princess Mei Li hits him on the foot, causing him to yell in pain and grab his foot]
PO: What are you... ow, ow, ow.
MEI LI: STOP FIGHTING! I want fried rice balls stuffed with sweet bean paste.
PO: Oh my gosh I love those. [Continues fighting] But we can't stop fighting right now your imperial highness ma'am.
[Po keeps Mei Li out of danger by throwing her in the air and catching her between hits and moving her out of danger repeatedly.]
MEI LI: You dare touch the royal personage? I am the Princess Mei Li and I command you to get me fried rice balls.
[Po kicks Fung, sending him into a cart and knocking all of the other croc bandits down as well as sending rice balls into the air which he catches and gives to Mei Li.]
PO: Here, rice balls. Now stay here you'll be safe.
MEI LI: I don't like these fried rice balls. They need more bean paste.
[Mei Li throws the rice ball on the ground and hits Po on the foot.]
PO: In a minute.
MEI LI: NOW!
[Three croc bandits attack Po tackling him in the air. Tigress fights off some croc bandits and Po kicks all three of the bandits that attacked him, sending one croc bandit next to Mei Li. Mei Li starts hitting the bandit and yelling at him.]
MEI LI: More bean paste!
[Tigress sees Mei Li being held by a croc bandit. Mei Li repeatedly hits the bandit and Tigress comes by, snatching Mei Li out of the croc's hands and kicking him. Tigress throws Mei Li in the air]
[Po catches Mei Li in midair. Po hits a tree after catching Mei Li and she gets stuck in the tree.]
MEI LI: Get me down!
PO: Now stay there, you'll be safe. [Po runs off to fight.]
MEI LI: Where is my bean paste?!
[Mantis fights a croc bandit using his own spear against him.]
MANTIS: You want some of this?!
[Mantis grabs the end of the spear and hits the croc into the ground and throwing him. Po, Tigress, and Mantis regroup.]
MANTIS: That was close, huh.
FUNG: Later losers.
[The camera pans revealing that the croc bandits were successful in stealing all of the stuff and tied up the royal servants. Po, Tigress, and Mantis quickly start going after the bandits when the yells of Mei Li stop them in their tracks]
MEI LI: Get me down. Now!
[The branch on the tree where Mei Li was stuck snaps and sends the princess falling. Po, Tigress, and Mantis rush over to catch Mei Li. They smash into one another against a tree and Po catches Mei Li.]
MEI LI: Get your hands off me!
[Po lowers Mei Li and she walks away. Mantis crawls out from under Po. An empty basket flies by in the wind.]
SERVANT: They got everything, including all the food.
[The camera zooms in on Po and zooms out as he yells.]
PO: No! [Po falls back.]
SERVANT: All that remains is a single jug of water.
[There is a sound of falling water and the camera pans revealing that Mei Li is using the last jug of water to clean her crown. She empties the bottle and tosses it. She puts on her crown.]
MEI LI: My crown was dusty. [Mei Li approaches the warriors.] I'm thirsty, and where's my bean paste for my fried rice balls? You stink as a warrior, you're supposed to protect me.
TIGRESS: Yes, princess.
MEI LI: And you, I wouldn't even use you for bait.
MANTIS: Yes, princess.
[Po sees how Mei Li upset the two warriors and intervenes.]
PO: Leave them alone.
MEI LI: Huddle-belly! [Mei Li hits Po, in the face, with the puppet that he gave her, breaking it.] My stuff is gone and it's all your fault!
PO: My fault? It's my fault? [Po begins raising his voice.] You wouldn't stay in the tree, you let the bandits get away, you dumped the last of our water, and you picked on my friends.
MEI LI: (gasp) How dare you!
PO: I dare, because when something's wrong it's wrong. I don't care how royal highnessy you are. You are mean, rotten, bossy, and bratty and nobody likes you.
[Mei Li's expression changes as her eyes start watering and she screams out crying. Po's expression changes to a worried look after he realizes that he made the princess sad. Mantis jumps onto Po's shoulder.]
PO: Wow, in my mind that was cooler.
MANTIS: You spoke the truth, buddy. Worst mistake of your life, but appreciate it.
TIGRESS: Well, this trip has been fun. We'll camp here for the night. [Tigress walks over and unties the servants.]
MANTIS: Yeah, at least there's lots of dirt to eat.
[Later that night, while everyone is asleep, Po quietly walks over to talk to Mei Li who is over on a log sitting alone. Po sits on the log and it snaps launching Mei Li into the air and then sliding Mei Li closer to Po.]
PO: Oh, hello, didn't see you there on this, log. So hey uh, since I'm here, let me tell you a story, it's made up, it's like you know one of those metaphorical parabol-lolical things that's, you know, made-up. I mean it's not based on anything real-ish. [Po glances over at Mei Li who is just sitting silent.]
PO: So anyway this panda is taking this princess on a journey, and even though he does everything he can to keep her happy and safe she's just kind of... mean, like really mean. [The camera finally shows Mei Li's very upset face.] And I tried – that is, the panda tried hard and told his friends that he could get you to like me – I mean her, him, her like him not me him he [Po stops talking to get back on track and continues] Anyway, he failed. No, I failed. So I had to kind of tell you the truth even though it's not the best idea in terms of – I don't know... staying alive. I was just trying. And well, the moral of the story is. [Po sniffs.] Do you smell something burning?
[Po looks down and realizes that his foot was burning in the campfire. He gets up screaming waking up everyone as well as stepping on Mantis before finally stomping out the flames on his foot. Po sits next to Mei Li who then shyly gives Po the puppet that he made now fixed.]
PO: You, you fixed it.
MEI LI: Is your foot okay?
PO: If you like medium-rare.
[Mei Li laughs quietly.]
MEI LI: You think I don't know nobody likes me? Some of them pretend to, but it's just because I'm a princess. I never have any friends, not real friends like you have. Like the cricket and that mean man with the stripes.
[Po glances from side to side and then hands Mei Li the puppet.]
PO: You have a friend now.
MEI LI: The puppet?
PO: Duh, me.
MEI LI: Really?
PO: Yeah, why not, as long as you don't chop my head off.
MEI LI: How do I know you just don't want something from me?
PO: Are you kidding? After that bandit attack, you don't have anything.
MEI LI: Hmm, it's a deal.
[The two bow to one another, Po takes out a Mah Jong set.]
PO: So, care to lose a game of Mah Jong?
MEI LI: I never lose and I go first. I... [Mei Li realizes how she sounds.] I mean, would you like to go first?
PO: Why, thank you, princess. You're still gonna lose.
MEI LI: Dream on.
[The next morning Po is giving Mei Li a piggyback ride and they're both laughing.]
PO: It's princess style. [The two keep moving along clumsily as the princess steers Po with his ears] Easy now, easy. We're gonna hit that tree.
[They hit the tree and fall back laughing.]
TIGRESS: Uh, is the princess laughing or am I crazy?
MANTIS: I'm thinking both.
[They continue walking.]
TIGRESS: The Qidan. We're there.
[They all look at the ugly decrepit walls of the Qidan.]
PO: Wow, it looks...
MEI LI: Smelly.
PO: I was gonna say stanky but I think we're on the same page here.
[They approach the front gate.]
PO: We made it. [Po lowers Mei Li from her piggyback ride.] Alright, go ahead and knock.
MEI LI: Do you think they have any fried rice balls stuffed with bean paste?
PO: That would be great.
[Mei Li approaches the large gate.]
SERVANT: It's so nice that you've given her a little happiness before she becomes the Qidan king's servant for the for the rest of her life.
PO: Well I... [Po realizes what the servant said.] Did you say servant?
SERVANT: Of course, it's why we came here.
TIGRESS: We were told this was a peace mission.
SERVANT: It is, we're giving Mei Li to the Qidan king in exchange for peace.
[A 2-D animation sequence of a war starts.]
SERVANT (voice over): A terrible and deadly war raged for decades between us and the Qidan.
[The Qidan's forces brutally attack their opposition and are victorious.]
SERVANT (voice over): It was only by the offer of a princess, one who would shoulder the burden of a people in tortuous labor, that the war was over. A difficult, but unavoidable arrangement.
[The 2-D animation shows a princess doing hard labor.]
SERVANT (voice over): Every few years, the king is given a new princess, for none of them last that long.
[The 2-D animation ends.]
PO: No, we've got to get her out of here.
[The princess knocks on the door.]
[The group enters Qidan, they are surrounded by rows of many water buffalo guards with the king, Temutai, sitting at the end in a chair.]
TEMUTAI: Ah, I've waited weeks to have my armor scrubbed by a royal servant. Bring me the princess! My new servant.
MEI LI: What?!
[Po holds Mei Li close, with a worried look on his face.]
[End of Act 2]
[The Qidan guards closely surround Po, Tigress, Mantis, and Mei Li.]
TEMUTAI: Once more for clarity, GIVE ME THE PRINCESS!
PO: Alrighty, [Po pushes Tigress forward.] here you go.
TIGRESS: What? Oh uh, yes, I am the princess. [Tigress bows to Temutai.]
TEMUTAI: My, my, princess please, won't you do the ceremonial princess dancing song for me.
TIGRESS: Uh, ceremonial dancing song?
TEMUTAI: Do the princess DANCING SONG!
[Tigress begins dancing and singing.]
TIGRESS: Uh, princess... ceremony dance, ceremony dance, princess.
TEMUTAI: STOP! Do you think I'm STUPID?!
PO: A little.
TEMUTAI: Well I'm not, I'm also not PATIENT! Hand her over NOW! [Temutai throws a small axe at Po.]
PO: I can't sorry, no way can't do it.
TEMUTAI: So be it.
[The guards start attacking the group, Mantis nerve attacks a buffalo with no affect.]
MANTIS: These guys are tough.
[An axe narrowly misses Mantis, Tigress attacks a buffalo using his axe against him, the buffalo throws Tigress.]
MEI LI: STOP! [Mei Li jumps off of Po and runs to Temutai.] I won't let you risk your lives for me. King of the Qidan, I, Princess Mei Li, surrender myself to you. [She bows to Temutai]
PO: What? No!
[Po is blocked by some guards.]
MEI LI: I have to, Po.
TEMUTAI: I accept this offering. In exchange I promise PEACE! Right, that's done with. GET OUT! Put her in chains.
[Po watches Mei Li as she sadly walks over to a column with chains on it.]
[Two guards grab Po as he starts walking forward.]
TEMUTAI: What is it?
PO: Let's make a deal. Uh, I'll fight any warrior you choose. If I win, the princess returns home with us. If I lose, you get her and me.
TEMUTAI: Hmm, pass.
PO: Hang on, hang on, don't answer yet 'cause there's more. I will also throw in Master Tigress, and wait for it, today only, Master Mantis.
MANTIS: We're doing what now?
TEMUTAI: Why would I want to make a deal like this?
PO: Come on, you'd have the Dragon Warrior as your own personal servant. Wouldn't that be awesome?
TEMUTAI: You're the Dragon Warrior? NO WAY!
MANTIS: He is, really.
TIGRESS: Yeah, I had a hard time believing it too.
[Po scorns Tigress and Mantis.]
TEMUTAI: I defeated kung fu masters from across the land. But to beat the Dragon Warrior and have him as my servant, I accept your challenge. Prepare TO FIGHT! [Temutai slowly stands.] Temutai, warrior king of the of the Qidan!
[Temutai's guards cheer holding up their weapons.]
MANTIS: I thought Temutai was a myth.
TIGRESS: They say his kung fu is so strong he can tear an opponent in half without even touching him.
PO: Wow, that is awesome. [Po realizes that this could happen to him.] Or it would be to watch.
[Temutai approaches Po and stares at him, Mei Li comes between the two.]
MEI LI: Stop! I won't allow this.
TEMUTAI: You don't have a choice, SIT DOWN!
[A guard grabs Mei Li and makes her sit as Po prepares to fight.]
PO: Feelin' lucky, huh, 'cause here it comes, I got Dragon Warrior style.
TEMUTAI: You're not what I expected from the Dragon Warrior.
PO: I get that a lot. But wait 'til you experience my full bodacity.
[Po kicks Temutai in the chest, with no effect, and falls to the ground.]
TEMUTAI: Do you need to take a minute to warm-up or...?
[Po gets up and stretches.]
PO: No, just getting my second wind.
[Po attacks Temutai everywhere without even causing him to flinch.]
PO: That's more like...
[Temutai kicks Po in the face sending him into some guards who throw him back into the match, Temutai continues to beat up Po until he is thrown in front of Tigress and Mantis.]
PO: Am I alive?
[Mantis quickly fixes Po by touching his pressure points.]
MANTIS: Po, this guy's too big, you can't fight him panda style.
PO: Don't know another style.
MANTIS: Well, you better figure one out!
PO: Sack of rice style?
[Temutai grabs Po by the foot and begins slamming him around. Po lands in front of Mei Li.]
MEI LI: You can beat him Po, I know you can.
PO: Thanks, Princess, but I... Hey, princess style.
[Po jumps up onto Temutai's head, grabs his ears, and begins steering him. Temutai slams into things and even knocks some of his guards into the air, one of which lands in the middle of the servants' board game outside of the fortress. As the guards see how Temutai is failing, they run in to help him. Tigress attacks the guards, shattering one of the guard's horns.]
MEI LI: Do it, Po, do it.
[Temutai continues slamming into things.]
PO: Big finish!
[He slams into a column which shatters and smashes his head into the ground leaving only his lips exposed. Po picks up Mei Li]
PO: Oh yeah! Who's got the moves?
TEMUTAI: You, you do.
PO: So, we can leave with the princess and you'll keep your promise of peace, right?
[Mei Li whispers to Po.]
PO: Oh, we need one more thing.
[The group goes on their journey home all eating fried rice balls.]
MEI LI: Awesome fried rice balls.
PO: Yeah, they got the bean paste just right, buddy.
MEI LI: That's right, buddy.
[As they continue traveling they stumble across the croc bandits going through the stuff they stole.]
FUNG: Hold on wait, hold on wait, why don't we just take the gold and jade, but we leave the fabric.
CROC BANDIT: Wait, alright, this is why I'll carry the fabric. That pattern? Really hard to find.
TIGRESS: Unlike you idiots.
[The croc bandits now get scared.]
FUNG: Darn it.
CROC BANDIT: RUN!
[Two crocs run and slam into one another.]
FUNG: You guys, seriously, this is just embarrassing.
[The three warriors glance at each other and lunge forward to attack.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]