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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Shifu's Back" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Paul Rugg. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
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[Episode opens with a flashback of previous events of the past few weeks. Po narrates.]
PO: The Valley of Peace had long been a land of kung fu, where the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five heroically battled the never-ending army of villainous villains of villainy. It was really cool and super fun, until he [Constable Hu ] came. We were forbidden to use our kung fu unless we had a permit, which was really hard to get. First you had to fill out this big application. Then a special courier had to take it super far away to district headquarters and give it to this guy who gave it to her, who gave it to him, who had to make forty copies and have it approved by him, her, him, him, him, her, her, him, him, him and this guy who was hardly ever there because he took a lot of vacation time. It took forever. Bad guys were everywhere and none better than Bao, Tsao, and Lao, those three nasty pigs who had returned to the Valley of Peace to wreak havoc. Unable to fight, the brave warriors retreated to the Jade Palace where they spent their every waking moment preparing for the day when they could once again be awesome!
[Flashback ends and returns to present tense. Scene begins in the Jade Palace courtyard.]
MONKEY: [While counting rocks] Three-thousand four hundred and fifty-five, Three-thousand four hundred and fifty-six, Three-thousand four hundred and fifty-seven.
[The rest of the Furious Five are shown to be doing different activities while Monkey carries on counting rocks, Mantis is sitting in a fruit bowl eating a grape, Crane is painting Mantis and the fruit, Tigress meditating while standing on one leg and Viper is sunbathing. Shifu stands in front of her.]
VIPER: Ahem, you're in my sun. Oh Master Shifu!
SHIFU: Why aren't you all training?
MONKEY: What's the point?
CRANE: We can't use our kung fu.
MANTIS: Should we be looking for real jobs?
SHIFU: Of course not! This situation is merely temporary.
TIGRESS: That's what you said last week.
VIPER: And the week before that.
PO: [He says from above them whilst riding a unicycle on a rope] And the week before that!
SHIFU: Po! What are you doing?
PO: Practicing, I figured maybe if we couldn't do anything anymore, we could start a circus!
SHIFU: We are not starting a circus!
PO: [While attempting to ride the unicycle on the rope] Good! Cuz' I stink at this [Po falls and the Furious Five run over] It's ok, it's ok I'm fine.
MONKEY: You fell on him! Get up!
[Tigress and Monkey pull Po up to reveal Shifu underneath him.]
TIGRESS: Are you alright Master Shifu?
PO: You kidding? Of course he's alright. That's a kung fu master you're talking to. Gonna take a lot more than that to keep him down.
[Shifu tries to get up several times but his back gives a crack and he cries in pain.]
SHIFU: It appears, I've thrown my back out.
MONKEY: Uh oh! The last time that happened you were-[Shifu looks at him sternly] in bed for weeks [He whispers to Po] It was horrible, horrible.
[Constable Hu enters the courtyard.]
HU: Ah there you all are! I have important n-[looks at shifu, who is still on the floor unable to get up] What are you doing down there?
PO: He threw his back out! Somehow...
HU: Ah jolly good, now listen. Your kung fu permit has been approved. You can finally go after those nasty pigs. [Po and the Furious Five look at him angrily.] I thought you'd all be happy.
TIGRESS: We applied for that two months ago!
VIPER: Those pigs are probably long gone!
PO: What's the use of having a permit if the bad guys aren't even around anymore!
MANTIS: This whole thing is stupid! [Mantis slams one of his legs down on Shifu and Shifu yells in pain.]
HU: Why is everyone blaming me? You think I like this? Criminals running through the streets as they please! The whole thing has made me look ridiculous but it's how HQ wants it done! Now here's your permit [Hu drops the permit on Shifu.] Do with it what you will, good day! [Hu mumbles to himself in anger on the way out of the courtyard. He attempts to slam the door several times but it opens again each time, he leaves.]
TIGRESS: What shall we do Master Shifu?
SHIFU: There is a chance the pigs are still in the vicinity. You should try to find them.
PO: Yes! Finally, some action!
MONKEY: What are we waiting for?
[Po and the five run out of the courtyard to find the pigs. But Po stops.]
PO: Did you need someone to stay and help you out?
SHIFU: That would be nice, yes.
PO: I'll get Monkey!
SHIFU: No! You.
[Po turns around and sees the Five leaving to find the pigs.]
MANTIS: Let's do this thing!
[Po then turns back to Shifu.]
PO: But, kung fu, we finally get to do something.
SHIFU: You caused this, you're the one who is going to stay. Now help me get inside.
[Po tries to get Shifu inside the Palace even though he is upset about being made to stay however, when Po attempts to help Shifu he cries in pain.]
PO: Do you have to keep making those noises?
[Shifu signals for Po to come closer. Po moves closer.]
[Po keeps trying to get Shifu up but each time he cries in pain. But Po thinks of a plan.]
PO: Idea! [Po leaves Shifu for a moment, then returns with a shovel, he shovels the ground underneath Shifu and brings Shifu inside on the slab of ground.] There! All comfy?
SHIFU: Not particularly.
PO: Ok so, uh, so what a day right, so I think I'm gonna go to my room. If you need anything just ring that bell [Po gives Shifu a bell. Po goes to leave but Shifu already rings the bell.]
SHIFU: I'm hungry [Po brings Shifu a bowl of soup. Po goes to leave again but then Shifu rings the bell.] My toes itch. [Po scratches Shifu's toes then again goes to leave but Shifu rings the bell.] This soup's cold! [Po brings Shifu another bowl of soup and again goes to leave but Shifu rings the bell.] Too hot now! [Po addresses this issue and again goes to leave but Shifu rings the bell.] I want to hear a poem [Then a few sequences show of Po attending Shifu's needs throughout the evening and then the night.] I want a bigger bell.
[The scene changes to morning, Hu and an ibex come through the Jade Palace doors.]
HU: Shifu should be around somewhere if you wouldn't mind waiting superintendent Woo, I shall go and fetch him straight away sir.
WOO: Straight away at least! I don't have all day on this! I've got a Mahjong game with the Emperor! The Emperor! You want to see my mad face? Move it tubby!
HU: Shifu, confound it all where are you?
[Hu then spots a very tired Po.]
HU: Looks like you haven't slept a wink all night.
PO: I haven't.
[Shifu rings the bell.]
SHIFU: What's all that racket out there?
[Po and Hu walk into the room where Shifu is lying.]
HU: Ah there you are! We have to talk.
SHIFU: This isn't a good time.
PO: I'm going to bed.
HU: No! He wants to meet you too!
PO: No, not Hu, Hu. Who, who?
HU: No, Woo who.
SHIFU: What's he talking about?
PO: He wants to know what-[stops as Shifu rings the bell.] Ok enough with the bell! [Po grabs the bell in frustration.] Stop with the bell!
HU: My supervisor, Superintendent Woo is in town. He's none to happy about all the criminals running about, says the situation has gotten out of hand. He's going to fire me! And he's blaming you all as well!
PO: But it's not our fault we have to wait around for a permit!
HU: That's just it! He says he's going to send in an entire police force that won't need any permits. There won't be any need for you or the Jade Palace or me! He's threatening to shut it all down!
SHIFU: He can't do that!
HU: That's why I asked him to meet with you. Now get out of that bed!
PO: He can't.
HU: He has to! Or we'll all be out on the street! Now hurry! [Hu leaves the room and returns to Woo.]
SHIFU: Well, help me get up.
[Scene changes back into the Jade Palace Hall of Warriors, where Hu and Woo are waiting for Shifu.]
HU: He shouldn't be but a moment.
[Suddenly they hear Shifu's crying out pain as Po is trying to get him up. Scene changes briefly back to Shifu and Po.]
SHIFU: There is no way I can get up.
PO: But you have to!
SHIFU: We're doomed.
[End of Act 1]
PO: Ok, were just gonna- [he tries to help Shifu up but Shifu cries in pain.] Maybe we'll just- [again he tries to help Shifu up he cries in pain]
[Scene briefly switches to Woo and Hu who are in the Hall of Warriors still waiting for Shifu to appear. They can hear Shifu's cries of pain.]
WOO: What is that screaming?
HU: Uh, screaming did you say?
WOO: Uh yeah, screaming. You don't hear it? [Woo pulls Hu's ear to his height] You hear this huh? [He lets go] What you got in that big melon, sawdust and rice bags? Screaming!
HU: Oh um, no that's not screaming. He's um, doing his morning exercises. [They hear a very loud scream from Shifu.] They're very difficult.
[Scene changes back to Po and Shifu, Po still trying to get Shifu up.]
PO: Master Shifu, you can do it! [He tries again to get Shifu but he continues to cry in pain.] Wait a minute! Remember when you had me read the sacred scrolls? The very first scroll has a potion.
SHIFU: To relax the muscles, of course Po! You have to go and make that potion.
PO: I'm on it!
[Po rushes out to make the potion. Po tries to sneak past Woo and Hu, Hu stops him and quietly tries to ask Po what he's doing.]
HU: What are you do-[He stops when Woo notices him speaking]
WOO: Um, are you talking to someone?
HU: Oh, no I was just um, oh would you look at that! [turns Woo around to look at a column]
WOO: It's a column.
HU: And a fine one too! Don't make them like that anymore.
[Po manages to sneak past while Hu has Woo distracted.]
WOO: What is taking so long?
[Po sneaks back out with the potion he has made for Shifu. Hu turns Woo around again and pushes him against the column.]
HU: Oh would you look at that!
WOO: It's the same column!
HU: Just thought it was worth a second look.
[Po sneaks past, nearly falling in the Jade Palace reflective pool.]
WOO: I'm loosing my patience Hu, you want to see my mad face? You want to see my mad face!
HU: Is it madder than that one?
HU: Then, no.
[Scene switches to Po returning to Shifu with the muscle relaxing Potion. Shifu drinks it and in a few seconds he begins to stretch his body with no pain.]
SHIFU: Po, I think it's working! Ah, not a lick of pain. [He sits up then gets off then table and stands up] I'm walking! Po you did it! Let's go and greet our guest.
[Po and Shifu then walk into the hall of heroes with Woo and Hu.]
SHIFU: This is wonderful, that potion is really kic- Woo-woo! Po, did you follow the directions precisely?
PO: I did better than that. You were in so much pain, I made it triple strength.
[Shifu then enters an out of character state due to the amount of potion he has been given. He approaches Woo.]
SHIFU: Hiya Ibex! Boy, you must go through a ton of hats. You know, cuz' of the horns. I like Kumquats! [He speaks into Hu's trunk] And they like me!
[Shifu starts climbing on Hu]
WOO: This guy is the Great Master Shifu?
[Hu stammers, trying to think of an answer. Po panics, but thinks of a plan.]
PO: Of course not! I am Shifu!
[Hu gasps and throws Shifu in the air.]
HU: If you'll excuse us for just a moment [Hu pulls Po to the side and whispers] What are you doing?
PO: [whispering] I gave Shifu too much potion.
HU: What potion?
PO: For his back, I gave him too much. Now calm down, I can do this.
WOO: Is there a problem here?
PO: Not at all, Constable Hu was just showing me this column, it's a... a column. It is an honour to meet you Superintendent Woo.
WOO: If you're Shifu, then that must be the one they call Po. The Dragon Warrior.
[Shifu slides past on his bum with Master Flying Rhino's helmet on his head.]
SHIFU: I have air in my body, wooo!
WOO: I heard he was kind of odd.
PO: Odd? Who said he was odd? I mean uh- yes. That's Po, our awesome little odd ball. Tut tut.
SHIFU: [while doing a little dance] I'm making eggs, egg, egg, egg, eggs.
WOO: He may be coo-coo crazy but I understand he's lethal.
PO: You understand correctly, I'd hate to be the one to go up against him.
[Shifu hugs Woo's robe.]
SHIFU: Ooo, silky.
[Po picks up Shifu.]
PO: Let us stroll the courtyard.
[Scene changes to Po, Woo, Hu and Shifu, who is in a kind of front facing baby holder, in the courtyard. Po is still pretending to be Shifu due to the actually Shifu's poor state of mind with the intoxication of the potion.]
PO: So you see Superintendent Woo, the awesome warriors of the Jade Palace have kept the Valley safe for hundreds of years [Shifu giggles and Woo looks at him in the front facing holder device with suspicion] It's a training device. My own invention. We have always done what is right, our mission has been to keep the peace and stomp out evilness-ness. We would have stopped those no good pigs right away, but since we had to wait for a permit well, you see the difficulty.
WOO: I see, well, I must say I am impressed Master Shifu. Most impressed [Po gives Shifu, who has been fighting while Po has been talking, a bell to play with.] Very well, I'm prepared to sign over control of the Jade Palace to you Master Shifu. If, I can see the Dragon Warrior do some fight stuff.
PO: You mean, now?
WOO: Oh no, next week maybe. I could probably sleep on the couch or- Yes now!
[Scene changes to within the training hall where Po is trying to get the still out of normal state of mind Shifu to fight, but is failing.]
WOO: Umm, fight.
[Po tries again, he taps Shifu on the head and Shifu falls on the floor.]
HU: So exciting.
WOO: Are you sure this is kung fu? I thought it was different.
PO: What? Um no. It's a new style.
HU: Bean bun.
PO: Bean bun dragon.
HU: Bok choy.
PO: Bean bun dragon bok choy style. Uh yeah, look how he's sneaking up on me like a bean bun.
SHIFU: I have fingers!
PO: Take that awesome Dragon Warrior! [Po begins a fake fight with Shifu and makes out that Shifu is beating him. Woo nods in approval but looks at the other training equipment]
WOO: Maybe, if I saw him do that thingy [points at the training equipment].
[Shifu goes onto the course of training equipment and is surprisingly good and manages to stay un-injured even in his current state of mind.]
WO: Oh, he's good.
[Shifu rides on one of the twirling poles with throws him into the air through one of the training rings.]
SHIFU: [in slow motion as he passes through the ring] Walnuts for everyone!
[Po then catches Shifu in the front facing holder device.]
WOO: Well, I've seen enough Master Shifu. I'll just sign right here and the Jade Palace will return completely to-[he stops as the Furious Five enter through the doors of the training hall, unaware of all that's happened.]
TIGRESS: Master Shifu, we searched all night we couldn't find the pigs anywhere. They must be hiding out.
PO: Um, thank you Tigress. That will be all.
TIGRESS: What's wrong with Shifu?
PO: Me? Nothing I'm fine.
MONKEY: Not you, Shifu.
PO: I'm Shifu.
HU: Of course he is.
PO: Me! I'm Shifu!
CRANE: What the heck's going on?
WOO: That's what I want to know! Now who is Shifu?
[The Furious Five all point at the real Shifu.]
FURIOUS FIVE: Him!
WOO: I see, trying to make a joke of me huh? Big joke right? [does a fake laugh]
HU: No, no it's not like that. You see-[he is interrupted by Woo]
WOO: Oh yeah, I see, I see plenty! I see that I almost entrusted the Valley of Peace in the hands of a lunatic!
SHIFU: I like checkers!
[Woo looks un amused.]
WOO: As of this moment, I am shutting the Jade Palace down for good! It's finished! Kaput! Over! The end! Done! Et cetera!
[Woo slams the door and leaves. Everyone stands shocked and silent. After looking at the others, Shifu falls asleep.]
[End of Act 2]
[The Furious Five, Po and Shifu - now returned to his normal state of mind, albeit a tad worn-out - are congregated in the training hall. Tigress hands Shifu a jug of tea.]
TIGRESS: Feeling better, Master Shifu?
SHIFU: Much, yes. Thank you for the tea.
MONKEY: So...we actually do need jobs, right?
SHIFU: I'm afraid you do.
PO: No...this is all my fault.
[Shifu walks up to Po and pats his arm comfortingly. Po smiles. Shifu suddenly reverts to a stern expression.]
SHIFU: Yes it is.
PO: [disappointed] Mm.
[Scene change. Hu and Woo are walking through the bamboo forest.]HU: Now look, please be reasonable. The valley needs Shifu and his team. You - you can't just shut the Jade Palace down like that!
WOO: Wanna bet? I can, and I have! Boom! Bam! Shut! Et cetera! And as for you, you big-headed pachyderm, you giant grey pillar with a nose, you're fired!
HU: [taken aback] Fired?!
WOO: [furious] Fired! Like, don't - show - up - tomorrow! Good - day!
[He storms off. Hu is left with a shocked expression that soon fades to sadness. His big pachydermic head droops and he turns and walks away. His strength fails him, however, and he sits down on the ground.]HU: [dismally] Fired. Canned. Sacked. Cut down in the prime of my bureaucratic career. [alarmed] Whatever will I tell Mother?
[Woo is indignantly walking down a road when the three pig bandits stop him in his tracks. He raises an eyebrow.]BANDIT: Going somewhere?
WOO: Sussed that out, did you? I'm walking on a road, right? Right! Now out of my way! I have important business to attend to!
[One of the bandits grabs him and pushes him back. Woo splutters.]BANDIT: "Important business".
ANOTHER BANDIT: Does that mean you're important?
WOO: [dusting himself off] You bet your curly little tails it does. Real important.
BANDIT: Well then, Mr Important, they'll probably pay a lot of money to get you back.
[The bandits laugh and tie Woo up.]WOO: No! Unhand me this instant!
[Hu looks up from his sitting place.]WOO: [off camera] Help! I'm being abducted by disgusting pigs!