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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Love Stings" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Joshua Hamilton. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens with Po carrying supplies through the village. He avoids stepping into other villagers and eventually walks into the Noodle Shop. He sets the stuff down on a table.]
PO: Dad, I got your... stuff.
[He drops a vegetable and picks it back up. He grabs the supplies proceeds toward the kitchen.]
[Po struggles to fit through the door from holding the supplies.]
PO: Okay, just gotta do a little squeezy-squeeze action here. (Struggling) Need to work on my squeezy-squeeze.
[ Mr. Ping walks down the stairs and sees Po.]
MR. PING: Po! What are you doing?
PO: Just... uh, hanging.
[Mr. Ping grabs a radish, causing Po to fit through the door and fall. Po stknow back up.]
PO: Dad, I, uh... I'm kinda too busy to help this year, you know, I mean, important Dragon Warrior business.
MR. PING: Oh, what could be more important than baking twenty seven hundred moon cakes?! Oh boy, oh boy! And making enough scratch to get that deluxe spatula I've had my eye on.
[Mr. Ping looks on in awe as the camera pans over to a painting of a spatula.]
PO: I don't know, maybe like being the most bodacious warrior in the land! Responsible for the safety of all who reside in the Valley of Peace.
MR. PING: Oh, uh, that reminds me.
[Mr. Ping reaches under the counter and grabs some clothes.]
MR. PING: Your Autumn Festival clown costume!
[Mr. Ping hands the costume to Po.]
[Mr. Ping begins painting Po's face and chuckling. Po has a look of disdain.]
MR. PING: Oh so happy!
PO: Dad, Dragon Warrior; me. I can't be the Autumn Festival clown anymore. And I don't have time to help you make moon cakes, okay?
[Mr. Ping appears disappointed at first, but then he bursts out with laughter.]
PO: Why are you laughing?!
MR. PING: (laughing) It's that costume! So funny!
[Po wipes the paint off of his face.]
MR. PING: Hmm, not so funny now.
[Mr. Ping gets back to cutting vegetables.]
MR. PING: Fine, Po, don't worry about your poor, old, Dad working his wings to the bone. Go, go, go have your fun.
PO: Not fun, Dad, Dragon Warrior business, serious stuff.
[Po walks away.]
PO: Monkey, get ready for the... Whoa!
[Po and Monkey fall.]
[Po gets back up nearly falling again. Monkey nearly falls as Po falls toward him. The two begin sparring but quickly fall over on account of being dizzy. The two get up and walk over to the edge of the training area. Po vomits into the training area and sits back up.]
PO: Except for that puking part, that might've been the best idea we've ever had.
[The scene cuts to Po and Monkey spinning in the Jade Tortoise of wisdom again. They get back on the platform and attempt to spar again.]
MONKEY: You're really getting good at dizzy Kung Fu!
[Po bounces Monkey off of his belly, knocking him into a weapons rack. Po approaches Monkey.]
PO: Can't fight the dizzy, you gotta use the dizzy. See if I aim over there...
[Po hits away from Monkey.]
PO: ...then I hit over here.
[Po spins back around and hits Monkey. Po walks away..]
PO: Cool huh?
[Mr. Ping arrives.]
MR. PING: Official Dragon Warrior business huh? And this is why you leave me all alone?!
[Mr. Ping storms off.]
PO: Dad, wait.
[Mr. Ping exits the Training Hall.]
PO: I think Dad's gotten lonely since I moved out. And I guess I've sorta been ditching him lately... a lot.
MONKEY: Ditch your Dad, that's mean. You're mean!
[Monkey slaps Po.]
PO: It's just, I'm Dragon Warrior now, I have my own life and I... He... I... He... Oh! Maybe I am mean-ish.
MONKEY: You should make it up to him. Get him something to keep him company, like a plant, or a drawing of a mountain.
PO: That's it!
[Po picks up Monkey and runs out of the Training Hall.]
MONKEY: You're getting him a plant?
[Down in the village, Po puts up a poster of Mr. Ping.]
PO: A girlfriend. Read it.
[Monkey begins reading a scroll.]
MONKEY: Business owner, Father of Dragon Warrior, seeks full time girlfriend, no old goats need apply.
PO: And let the ladies pour in.
[Po and Monkey fist pump.
In the Noodle Shop, Mr. Ping is cutting vegetables. Po arrives.]
PO: Uh, Dad...
[Mr. Ping turns away from Po.]
PO: Uh, sorry I haven't been around much.
MR. PING: Oh, that's okay son, I know you have important Dragon Warrior business to attend to, like upchucking with your monkey friend.
PO: Yeah, heh, listen uh, I thought maybe you could use a little company.
[Mr. Ping suddenly becomes excited.]
MR. PING: Oh, you got me the spatula?
PO: No, but with that've done it?
[Someone knocks on the front door.]
PO: (gasp) She's here!
[ Mrs. Yoon walks in and waves at Mr. Ping.]
MR. PING: Mrs. Yoon?
PO: Okay, maybe girl was a stretch, but uh, I know you've always had a thing for sassy spinsters.
[Mrs. Yoon laughs.]
MR. PING: Oh, Po, I haven't had a date since the Qin Dynasty, ah, but that was a great dynasty. Still, I don't think this is a good idea.
PO: Sure it is Dad, you're cooped up in here all day with your noodles. You need to spend time with someone that isn't me.
MR. PING: Well, I-I don't know.
[The scene cuts to Mr. Ping sitting with Mrs. Yoon at a table.]
PO: Here's a romantic dinner combo, two soups in one large bowl.
MRS. YOON: And I made us some nice steamed buns for the occasion.
[Mrs. Yoon puts a basket of buns on the table. Mr. Ping is stunned.]
MR. PING: What?! You dare besmirch the purity of my noodle soup with these... these... these buns?! What kind of monster are you?!
[Po starts to worry.]
MRS. YOON: Oh, well, uh, I just uh...
[Mr. Ping flies onto the table.]
MR. PING: Do I come out to your bun cart and make Chao Wa all over it?! Because that's what you are doing to me!
[Mrs. Yoon approaches the door.]
MR. PING: Now get out of my shop and take your steaming buns with you!
[Mr. Ping kicks the basket of buns at the door.]
MRS. YOON: Well... I had a lovely time...
[Mr. Ping slams the door. A moment later Mrs. Yoon knocks again. Mr. Ping opens the door only to be slapped by Mrs. Yoon.]
MRS. YOON: Thanks again.
PO: Chao Wa?
MR. PING: I made it up.
[The scene cuts to Mr. Ping sitting at a table with a pig lady. Po walks around playing Erhu music.]
FEMALE PIG: So, I like you, do you like me?
MR. PING: Well, you don't sweat much for a pig.
[The pig slaps Mr. Ping across the face. A montage of Mr. Ping sitting with different woman begins. He first sits with a female mantis.]
FEMALE MANTIS 1: So, what are you looking for in a woman?
MR. PING: Well, antennae creep me right out.
[The mantis slaps Mr. Ping across the face. Mr. Ping's next date is a water buffalo.]
MR. PING: Are you sure you're are a woman?!
[The water buffalo slaps Mr. Ping across the face. Mr. Ping gets slapped by several other woman. End of montage.]
PO: Dad, what's going on?
MR. PING: I don't know what you mean.
PO: You're being rude, obnoxious, you challenged that one lady to a fist fight!
MR. PING: Well, she was eyeballing me!
[Po scowls his father.]
MR. PING: Oh, alright, I'll let you in on my secret. I was trying to get rid of those ladies.
MR. PING: I already... have a girlfriend.
PO: What? Really? That's... Great! This is... This is so...
[A nearby rattling sound startles Po.]
PO: Hang on, Dad.
[Po quietly sneaks over to a rattling pot. Upon lifting the pot, he sees Scorpion.]
PO: (gasp) Scorpion!
[Po has a quick flashback of when he first fought Scorpion. Po traps Scorpion under the pot.]
SCORPION: Let me out of here!
PO: Dad, Scorpion's back to seek her revenge! Run, get the Five.
[Mr. Ping runs over.]
MR. PING: Uh, no, Po, you don't understand!
PO: No you don't understand! Scorpion is danger-...
[Scorpion pushes Po off of the pot and escapes. Po falls to the ground.]
MR. PING: Scorpion is...
[In slow motion, Scorpion lunges toward Mr. Ping.]
PO: (Slow motion) No!
[Scorpion nears Mr. Ping and hugs him.]
MR. PING: ...my girlfriend!
PO: Huh?! (Slow motion) No!
[End of Act 1]
[Po throws things at his Father in an attempt to drive away Scorpion.]
PO: Dad, watch out! Scorpion's on you!
[Mr. Ping runs around frantically.]
MR. PING: No, Po, no!
PO: If you just move... Will you please... You're making this difficult, I gotta save you!
[Po rolls onto the ground. Mr. Ping sets down Scorpion and walks over to Po.]
MR. PING: I'm telling you she's my girlfriend.
PO: You and Scorpion, together? No. Really? No. Really? No!
MR. PING: Really!
PO: This can't be happening. I... (Gasps and grabs Mr. Ping) She's brainwashed you! With her Scorpion poison. Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?!
[Po holds up no fingers.]
MR. PING: None.
PO: Right, but she could've coaxed you.
SCORPION: Oh, Po, you're thinking of the old me, I'm not evil anymore.
PO: Really? What changed you?
[Mr. Ping hugs Scorpion.]
SCORPION: The love of a good goose.
PO: Uh, Dad, could I talk to you privately, away from your... (Gags) girlfriend?
[Po grabs Mr. Ping.]
PO: Be right back.
[Po takes Mr. Ping outside.]
PO: What're you thinking?! You can't date Scorpion! She's a convicted, villainous, evil, criminal mastermind!
MR. PING: Ah, ah, ah! Never convicted.
PO: Whatever! She's still like banished. In exile. Not allowed to be here!
MR. PING: (Sigh) The sweet allure of forbidden love.
PO: Dad, I don't care what she says, she is evil.
[Scorpion jumps onto the counter.]
SCORPION: Ah, honey, you seem upset, want a cookie?
[Scorpion holds up a cookie.]
PO: I... Yes.
[Po takes the cookie and eats it.]
PO: [Chewing] But it doesn't change the fact that...! (swallow) Wow, this is a really good cookie!
MR. PING: I know. All this and she can cook too! She's like my dream bug!
[Mr. Ping blows a kiss at Scorpion.]
SCORPION: Oh, charmer! And you, you're staying for dinner!
PO: Dinner? No way!
[The scene cuts to Po eating dinner with Mr. Ping and Scorpion. Mr. Ping and Scorpion feed each other, something which grosses out Po and makes him stop eating.]
MR. PING: So, Po, did you know that Scorpion once won a baking competition?
PO: Really? That's interesting. Hey, here's another fun fact: Did you know that Scorpion once tried to kill me?!
[Po scowls at Scorpion, who expresses disdain and leaves the table.]
MR. PING: Po, now you are being rude!
PO: But, Dad...
MR. PING: Just look at her, isn't she beautiful?
[The camera pans to Scorpion as she looks over to Mr. Ping and slowly blinks.]
MR. PING: And those eyes, all those gorgeous eyes.
[Po starts gagging.]
MR. PING: And that exoskeleton!
PO: Seriously Dad, I don't know how this happened but...
MR. PING: It was you son, you brought us together.
[Scorpion approaches the two.]
SCORPION: It's true, once that I saw that flier you put up I thought, "This is a person I could be with until the day he dies."
[A 2-D animated sequence begins. Mr. Ping and Scorpion stand on the edge of a cliff.]
SCORPION: Look, you can see my lair from here.
MR. PING: Wonderful where?
[Scorpion pushes Mr. Ping off of the cliff.]
[Po runs to save Mr. Ping as giant Scorpion claws come out of the ground.]
MR. PING: How could you let this happen?!
[Mr. Ping plummets into a giant Scorpion. End of 2-D animated sequence. Po wakes up in his room at the Student Barracks.]
PO: I'm... Dad! Gotta save Dad!
[Po gathers up weapons and runs down to the Valley of Peace.]
PO: Gotta save Dad... Save Dad! Save Dad! Ugh stairs!
[Po runs into the Noodle Shop and gasps as he sees Scorpion hold up a cleaver behind Mr. Ping.]
PO: Dad, she's trying to ki-...
[Scorpion strikes a vegetable. The two are revealed to be cutting vegetables.]
MR. PING: Did you come to cut vegetables with those?
[Po drops the weapons.]
PO: I thought... I saw... You were... I was...
MR. PING: Uh, Son, this has got to stop. You gotta get used to the fact that I'm with Scorpion now because I love her.
SCORPION: Oh, I love you too!
[Po watches with horror as Mr. Ping and Scorpion kiss. Po then goes over to the door at vomits behind the wall. Po goes back into the shop, only to go back and vomit some more. Mr. Ping and Scorpion look at Po with a scorn.]
PO: Right, you could hear that... sorry. (sigh) I want you to be happy, Dad.
[There is silence for a moment as Mr. Ping and Scorpion wait for Po to say something.]
PO: Scorpion, I apologize.
[Scorpion sticks out her claw, startling Po. Po laughs nervously and shakes Scorpion's hand, wiping off his hand afterward.]
SCORPION: It's not entirely you're fault Po, I just have one of those faces.
PO: And you did try to kill me
PO: I promise to be more supportive of you're relationship, Dad. Might take me a while though. But I wouldn't count on Shifu and the Furious Five.
[Po begins leaving.]
SCORPION: Oh, do you have to tell them?
MR. PING: They might not be as understanding as you are.
[Po turns around.]
MR. PING: Uh, please, Son.
PO: (Sigh) Okay.
[Mr. Ping and Scorpion exchange looks.]
PO: You two have a good night, I'm really... happy... for you.
[Mr. Ping nods. Po leaves the shop, moments later he yells.]
MR. PING: We heard that!
[The next day, Shifu rehearses his speech by the Training Hall. The Five arrive.]
SHIFU: Greetings and salutations. No that's not it. Greetings and salutations. Ugh...
VIPER: What's Master Shifu doing?
MONKEY: Ugh, he's practicing his yearly (snore) Autumn Festival Speech for tonight.
TIGRESS: Oh, that reminds me, I gotta practice sleeping with my eyes open.
[The Five laugh, excluding Tigress.]
MONKEY: Ooh, good one!
MONKEY: Skip it.
[The Five glance over to Po hitting a punching bag. The Five approach Po.]
VIPER: Uh, Po, you seem upset.
PO: Huh, what d'ya mean?!
[Po rips the punching bag off of its stand, slams it against the ground, and proceeds to beat it.]
MONKEY: I take it you're not so happy your Dad found a girlfriend.
PO: (Panting:) I don't mind having a girlfriend, it's just, not this girlfriend! You guys know what she's like.
TIGRESS: How would we know that?
PO: Uh... No, not her, per say, you just... Um, I mean, you guys know what women are like.
[Tigress and Viper scowl at Po.]
PO: Oh, no! That's not... I mean... (sigh) Go ahead.
[Po stands still and lets Tigress slap him across the face. Tigress walks away.]
VIPER: Po, give your Dad's girlfriend a chance.
PO: Thanks Viper, I'm 'onna do that.
[Viper hits Po with her tail.]
[Monkey slaps Po.]
PO: Ow, Monkey!
MONKEY: Oh, sorry. I thought we were doing a thing. Seriously, Po, Viper's right, you should give her a chance.
[Po goes down to the Noodle Shop dressed in his Autumn Festival clown costume.]
SCORPION: He's delivering moon cakes for the festival. Nice Costume
PO: [Chuckles] Yeah, wore it for my Dad. Got him a new spatula, thought we could all use it to make moon cakes together.
PO: I mean, you guys care about each other, I guess. And, maybe someday I can care about you too, maybe.
SCORPION: Oh, honey, sit.
[Scorpion puts moon cakes on the counter.]
SCORPION: Fresh out of the oven,
PO: Aren't we supposed to wait until after Shifu's speech.
SCORPION: I won't tell anyone.
PO: I'm starting to care about you already.
[Po eats a moon cake.]
PO: Mmm, these are seriously good!
SCORPION: It's a new recipe.
PO: No wonder you won that baking contest.
SCORPION: Truth be told, I won because I brainwashed the judges.
PO: To be honest, I thought you were going to brainwash my dad.
SCORPION: That's silly, why would I want to brainwash your dad when I have the opportunity to poison everyone in the Valley.
PO: [Laughs] Yeah, good question... What?!
SCORPION: Poison their brains! In fact, I'm poisoning you right now!
PO: Poison! Moon cakes!
[Po looks around at the piles of moon cakes.]
SCORPION: Oh, it won't kill you, but it will make you defenseless! [Laughs]
[Po gets dizzy.]
PO: I was right not to trust you.
[Po falls down.]
SCORPION: This is going to be easier than I thought!
[Scorpion drags Po away and drops him into a cellar.]
SCORPION: I'll take good care of your father!
PO: (Wearily) No!
[Scorpion locks Po in the cellar.]
[End of Act 2]
[Mr. Ping arrives at the Noodle Shop as Po awakens in the cellar.]
SCORPION: Hi, honey, Po stopped by and left you a message.
MR. PING: He did?
SCORPION: Yes, he said, now, let me make sure I'm getting this right: "The Dragon Warrior doesn't have time for you and never wants to see your face again. Tea?
[Scorpion lifts up a tea kettle.]
MR. PING: What?!
[Po overhears the conversation from the cellar.]
MR. PING: He said that?!
[Po attempts to climb the latter in the cellar, but he falls back down.]
MR. PING: Did you hear that?
SCORPION: Oh, it's the neighbors, I think they're building a rumpus room. Shall we? The festival awaits.
[Mr. Ping sighs.]
SCORPION: Come on, if Po really loves you, then he'll find you at the festival.
MR. PING: I... I guess you're right.
[They leave the Noodle Shop.
In another part of the village, the festival is beginning. A crowd is starting to gather before Shifu and the Furious Five.]
MONKEY: Where's Po?
VIPER: Maybe he's bonding with his dad and his girlfriend.
TIGRESS: More likely he's bonding with a bag of almond cookies.
MONKEY: [Laughs] You're on fire today Tigress!
MONKEY: Skip it.
SHIFU: Everyone please grab a moon cake for the ceremonial speech, followed by the ceremonial eating of the moon cakes, followed by the ceremonial ceremony.
[Villagers grab moon cakes from a cart. Mr. Ping looks around anxiously. Scorpion comes out from behind a pile of moon cakes.]
SCORPION: Aw, Pingy, looks like Po didn't show up and doesn't love you.
[Mr. Ping hangs his head with sorrow.
Meanwhile at the Noodle Shop, Po attempts to climb out of the cellar. He bursts through the cellar door.]
PO: Got it!
[He immediately falls back down. Po stumbles out of the Noodle Shop. He arrives at the festival towards the end of Shifu's speech.]
SHIFU: And so, per tradition, we raise out moon cakes, to honor the harvest.
[The crowd raises their moon cakes and prepares to eat them. Po gasps.]
SHIFU: Happy Autumn Festival everyone.
[Po stumbles around.]
VILLAGER 1: It's the Autumn Festival Clown!
PO: Don't you eat that!
[The villagers are amused as Po stumbles around in his clown costume.]
VILLAGER: Oh, I love this bit!
MR. LIU: Oh, no clown, you're not getting my moon cake this year!
[The crowd continues laughing as Po stumbles around.]
VILLAGER: Look at him dance!
[The villagers and the Jade Palace masters begin eating their moon cakes.]
[Po falls down. The villagers begin falling down.]
TIGRESS: What's going on?
[The Five fall down.]
[Shifu falls down. Mr. Ping watches with horror as everyone drops to the ground.]
MR. PING: What's happening to everyone?!
[Scorpion lets out an evil laugh.]
MR. PING: [Gasp] Y-you?! No, you!
SCORPION: Yes dear, me.
[Scorpion jumps over to Shifu.]
SCORPION: How'd you all like my moon cakes?!
[Shifu collapses and food falls out of his mouth.]
SCORPION: Ooh, that's disgusting! But it doesn't matter, one bite is enough to destroy your motor skills! [Laughs] You banished me from the valley, but now I get my revenge!
[Scorpion holds up her stinger.]
[Po starts stumbling toward Scorpion.]
SCORPION: By the way, you look ridiculous in that costume.
[Scorpion pounces toward Po and starts hitting him. She throws him around and knocks him into a cart. Po picks up a moon cake and looks at it with blurred vision.]
PO: So dizzy...
[Po gets back up and stumbles toward Scorpion. Scorpion flies at him.]
PO: Aim over there, hit over here.
[Po spins around and hits Scorpion. Po continues using his dizzy Kung Fu moves to evade Scorpion's attacks. Po sits on Scorpion, crushing her. Scorpion continues trying to attack, but Po is able to grab her tail and throw her. Po rolls towards Scorpion and crushes her. Po stands back up.]
SCORPION: You... You can fight me? How?
PO: It's called dizzy Kung Fu, made it up myself.
[Mr. Ping runs over to Po.]
MR. PING: Po!
[The two run towards each other and hug.]
PO: I want you to be happy.
[Scorpion gets back up and prepares to attack.]
MR. PING: And I want you to be the Dragon Warrior!
[Po attacks Scorpion. He is able to throw her, after which he rolls towards her and punches her into a wall.]
MR. PING: Scorpion, you're a villainous, evil, criminal mastermind and I think we should see other people.
[Scorpion moans as she lay crushed on the ground.
The next day, Po and Mr. Ping serve customers at the Noodle Shop.]
MR. PING: See what's more fun than spending time together, Po? Making twenty-seven hundred antidote filled noodles! Boy oh boy, oh boy! And with a brand new spatula!
[Mr. Ping holds up a spatula.]
PO: This is great, Dad. And, by the way, I think you have some lady admirers over there.
[They look over to a table of laughing female pigs.]
MR. PING: This could be a very good dynasty!
[The two continue serving customers.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]