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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Jailhouse Panda" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriters, Doug Langdale and Jon Ross. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens to Po in search of food, managing to get his hand stuck in a jar]
[In his attempt to remove his hand as silently as possible, Po is confronted by Master Shifu.]
SHIFU: Panda, have you seen Tigress?
PO: You sent her and Monkey to take supplies to that village in the north. [Po quickly reveals his stuck hand and hides it as if it wasn't there.]
SHIFU: Oh that's right of course. Go back to whatever it is you're doing.
[Shifu leaves. Po attempts to pull the jar off of his hand and slaps himself in the face. When he puts his free hand down it gets stuck in a jar as well.]
PO: Uhh, molting, on bandit patrol, and shopping for ankle bracelets.
SHIFU: Oh. [Shifu sighs in disappointment.]
PO: Something I can do for you Master Shifu?
SHIFU: Huh, oh no, you look like your… hands are full. [Shifu walks away.]
PO: Uh, but maybe I could help.
[Po attempts to follow Shifu and gets his feet stuck in pots. Shifu gazes at his reflection in the Moon Pool. Po walks up to Shifu. Shifu's reflection is joined by Po's.]
PO: You ever look at your reflection and think that your ears are too big?
PO: Because sometimes I look at my reflection and think "man, Shifu's ears are huge." [Po glances at Shifu.] Little joke. Is something wrong?
SHIFU: Yes Po something is very wrong. [The two walk away from the Moon Pool and up to a hammer artifact.] You know the Sacred War Hammer of Lei Lang, [The camera zooms into the hammer. A 2-D animation of a pig wielding the hammer is shown.] the hammer has not been used since ancient times, its owner wielded devastating power.
[The pig slams the hammer into the ground creating a bright crack in the ground which goes up to a house and destroys it. He does this several times to different houses and even a mountain.]
SHIFU (V.O.): Years ago, the merciless villain Tong Fo, stole the war hammer. [Tong Fo steals the hammer from a stand.] We had to gets it back before he could unleash its destruction. [The Furious Five prepare for a battle with Tong Fo.] The battle was fierce, [The five and Tong Fo burst out of the roof of the Jade Palace in a dramatic battle.] but the Furious Five won the day, [The five watch Tong Fo get put behind bars.] and the Sacred War Hammer was safe once more. [The hammer is placed back on its stand. End of 2-D animation.]
SHIFU: Or so we thought.
[Shifu picks up the hammer and prepares to hit the ground.]
PO: I wouldn't touch that if I were… [Po braces up.] Ahh! Shifu no!
[Shifu slams the hammer against the ground and it shatters.]
SHIFU: I just discovered it's a fake. Tong Fo hid the real hammer before he was sent to prison. If he should escape and retrieve it, he's vowed to decimate the Valley of Peace.
PO: What?! What are we gonna do?
SHIFU: When the five return, I will send one of them into the prison to learn the location of the hammer, disguised as Sheng, [Shifu unwraps a scroll of a goat.] a fugitive criminal.
PO: Uh, that doesn't really look like one of the five. What, are you gonna put a beard on Tigress, or big ears on Mantis?
SHIFU: If you must know, by using one of these.
[Shifu opens a case of stones.]
PO: Whoa! Magic eggs.
SHIFU: It's a shift stone.
PO: Ooh, can I try, can I try?!
SHIFU: (groans) [Shifu picks up the stone and hands it to Po.] Hold it in your hand and concentrate.
[A flash of gold goes over Po. Po looks at himself still looking the same.]
PO: Yeah I think someone sold you a bum shift stone.
SHIFU: Look in the pool.
[Po runs up to the moon pool and looks at his reflection. His reflection looks like Sheng.]
PO: Whoa, Sheng! That is so cool.
SHIFU: This is what you now look like to me and everyone else.
[Po feels his face as hey looks at his reflection.]
PO: Hey you know what? Your ears don't seem so big now.
[Shifu is not amused by Po's joke. A flash of gold light goes over Po as he turns back into his normal self. He looks at his reflection and sees his normal self.]
[Po grasps the stone and holds out his fist.]
SHIFU: Po, you… you have many good qualities.
SHIFU: But finesse, subtlety, and cunning aren't any of them. [Po lowers his fist and hands the stone back to Shifu.] I'm sorry Po, it's just too dangerous to send you, we'll just wait for the five to return and hope.
[Shifu walks away. Po is disappointed by not being allowed to go on the mission.]
PO: I'll show him. I've got finesse, subtlety, cunning, and one of these. [Po takes a shift stone.]
[Po goes to the prison disguised as Sheng. Po enters two large doors into the prison escorted by two guards. Po's reflection shows Sheng, but he still looks like his normal self to the audience.]
RHINO GUARD 1: New prisoner!
RHINO GUARD 2: New prisoner!
RHINO GUARD 3: New prisoner!
[Po and the two guards cross a bridge.]
PO: Bet you never seen a prisoner like me huh? That's right, the big house has got a new mayor, 'cause I'm one bad criminal-type bad guy. [They enter the prison cell.] The baddest of the bad you ever… whoa!
[Upon entering the cell, Po sees many vicious criminals.]
RHINO GUARD: Back in your cells!
[The prisoners enter their cells. Po is escorted to his cell.]
PO: Yeah check me out, 'cause I'm all criminalesk and what not.
[Po walks by a cell.]
DERANGED CRIMINAL: I'm gonna make a sweater outta you!
[Po gags at the thought.]
PO: (Timidly) Uh, maybe after lunch. Hey, was that Tong Fo?
[They stop in front of a cell.]
RHINO GUARD: No.
[They move forward again.]
PO: Uh, whatever (Chuckles) I'm still bad. [An insane crocodile shouts and sticks his hands out of the cell, lunging at Po. Po is startled. They continue walking forward.] Was that Tong Fo?
RHINO GUARD: NO!
[Another criminal lunges at Po from inside his cell.]
PO: Tong Fo?
RHINO GUARD: NO!
PO: Is he around here or…?
[The guard grabs Po in anger.]
RHINO GUARD: Enough questions Sheng! I've had it with you.
[The guard throws Po into a cell and shuts the door. Po hears scurrying in the cell.]
[Po looks around the room until hey sees Tong Fo standing right in front of him and is startled.]
TONG FO: Hello.
PO: Tong Fo? Hi, [Po sticks out his hand.] I'm uh, Sheng. Put her there.
[Tong Fo stares at Po.]
TONG FO: I don't shake hands.
PO: Yeah, hand shakes are for law abiding chumps right. (Chuckles) That was a test. Make sure you're a bad dude like me who enjoys various… crimey… things that… Man your eyes are huge.
TONG FO: My eyes aren't big, I have a small skull. My brain barely fits inside it.
PO: Yeah well, good thing it does right 'cause then you'd be all like exposed brain and all…
TONG FO: I've heard stories about you Sheng. What are you in for now?
PO: What am I not in for yeah, yeah. [Po waits for Tong Fo to continue the conversation.] Uh, one time I was, like doing a robbery thing, and there was these guys that were like "stop robbing us!" And I was like, "no." True story. [Tong Fo starts to wonder about Po.] And another time I was assaulting and battery-ing this tea shop 'cause that's how I roll, crime doing, 'cause I'm like…
[Tong Fo lunges at Po, throws him around the room, and pins him against a wall.]
TONG FO: Liar!
[Po gasps out of fear.]
[End of Act 1]
TONG FO: Liar!
PO: What! Me, no!
TONG FO: Sheng, you're not Sheng! I hear Sheng's a master of the head game, a trickster, you're not even a good liar! Bad, bad liar! Boys!
PO: You've got henchmen in your cell, cool!
FUNG: Uh, we prefer the term "associate."
TONG FO: How does he know your name?
FUNG: Uhh, legend I guess. [Tong Fo gives Fung a long stare.] Dude, those eyes, seriously.
[Tong Fo pounces onto Fung's snout.]
TONG FO: It's not my eyes, it's my skull! Now get him out of here!
[Tong Fo jumps off of Fung. Fung and Gahri charge Po. Po gets into his fighting stance and counters the bandits attacks. Po throws Fung into the cell bars, causing the crocodile to get his head stuck. Gahri pounces Po. Po counters Gahri's attack. Po jumps on Fung, freeing him from the bars. The two croc bandits charge Po against a wall.]
TONG FO: You know what you are goat? You're a bad liar. A good criminal, needs to be a good liar, and you, my goaty goat friend, are not; you lack finesse, you lack subtlety, and you lack…
PO: Cunning, I know, that's exactly what Shifu said.
TONG FO: What? Did you say… Shifu?
PO: [Po becomes nervous, not wanting to reveal his identity.] Did I? Uh, I meant uh… Yes [Po suddenly becomes more confident.]. Yes, I meant Shifu, 'cause here's the deal Mr. Tiny Skull:…
PO: That's right: I'm not Sheng. I'm the Dragon Warrior. I'm the big ol' panda, and Shifu snuck me in here, disguised as Sheng, to get info from you, and if something happens to me, they'll be coming for you! Try to wrap those googly eyes around that jack. Heh!
[Tong Fo dramatically scorns Po for a while, scaring Po. Then, Tong Fo begins laughing.]
TONG FO: Good, very good. Because that… [Jumps on Po's face.] is a very good lie, Sheng. [He pats Po on the face, then kisses him on the forehead.] Let him go Fung.
[Fung and Gahri let go of Po.]
FUNG: What? Seriously?
TONG FO: And bring us some dinner!
FUNG: I-I thought we were having dinner. [Tong Fo turns around and stares at Fung.] 'kay gaw! [Fung begins talking to Gahri while making food.] It's like three months of sucking up to Tong Fo down the drain! That goat is going down Gary, down!
[Fung gives Gahri a taste of the food to test it.]
GAHRI: Meh. [Waves his hand in dislike.]
FUNG: Darn it! [Throws his helmet down.]
[At a table, Fung serves both Po and Tong Fo a bowl of dumplings. Fung walks away, rudely bumping into Po.]
TONG FO: I can use a guy like you on the outside, Sheng. That fake stupid thing you do without finesse, subtlety, or cunning, is brilliant.
PO: Yeah, been working on that for a while. [Tong Fo jumps up onto the table and approaches Po. He then presses his face against Po's and moves his eyes around.] That feels weird.
TONG FO: Okay, here's what's up. When I get out, I'm going to destroy all who have been against me with the sacred hammer of Lei Lang.
[Tong Fo backs away and sits in his chair.]
PO: Sacred hammer huh. That's a great idea. Where would one keep a hammer like that? He subtly asked all finessey and cunning like.
TONG FO: It's on…
TONG FO: It's on…
TONG FO: Camelback Mountain.
PO: Bingo! [Jumps up in excitement.] I mean, Camelback right. Well I think I need to go visit the little goat's room: too much tainted prison water.
[Po's begins leaving and is stopped by Tong Fo.]
TONG FO: Goat! [Flips the table and throws it.] Hurry back!
TONG FO: For dessert.
[Po slowly backs out of the room.]
PO: Camelback, Camelback, Camelback… [He chuckles then looks at his reflection in a puddle while holding his shift stone.] Just change back to Po and get me a hammer. How do ya' like me now Shifu?
[Po looks up and gets startled by Fung.]
FUNG: I'm onto you goat!
[The rest of the Croc Bandits surround Po.]
PO: You are?
FUNG: Yeah, we're Tong Fo's boot-licking toadies. Not you, us!
PO: Uh, I'm pretty sure he's got plenty of boots to lick, if you're into that sort of thing, which it sounds like you…
[Fung tries to attack Po, but Po quickly kicks Fung. The croc bandits all try to attack Po. In the middle of the brawl, Po's shift stone falls out of his pocket and lands in front of Tong Fo. Tong Fo picks up the stone.]
TONG FO: A shift stone. Why would he have…? [He looks over at Sheng who is fighting like a professional.] He really is the Dragon Warrior… and he had the moxie to tell me right to my face. I love this guy!
[Po finishes the bandits off.]
PO: Okay, once those guards see who I really am… [He reaches for the shift stone.] Where's the shift stone? The shift stone. [Po runs into the cell.] Where is it?!
[Po looks under a shelf and is startled when he hears Tong Fo.]
TONG FO: Goat. You're back.
PO: Uh yeah, there was a line so I… [Tong Fo locks Po in the cell.] Hey!
TONG FO: You're a trickster, Dragon Warrior. You told me the truth as if it was a lie. But, it was the truth, which made me think: how? And I'd say: it's 'cause you're…
PO: What? Cunning? Subtle? Finessey?
TONG FO: Yeah, all those things.
PO: 'Scuse me. [Po turns around.] Yeah! [Turns back around.] You're all done Tong Fo. I know the hammer's on Camelback Mountain, so you might as well give up.
TONG FO: You're attitude, it amuses me, because I'm out here and you're in there.
PO: Not for long, once the guards see who I really am I'm… once they see… gimme a second here. Once they… [Po continues looking for the shift stone.] Shift stone, shift stone, where is the…
TONG FO: Are you looking…[Takes out the shift stone.] for this?
PO: (gasps) My shift stone!
[Tong Fo transforms into a rhino guard.]
TONG FO: Enjoy being trapped in prison, goat. [Tong Fo begins walking away.] One more thing, just wanted to say thanks, for helping me escape.
[Another rhino guard enters the cell.]
PO: No, someone stop him. Tong Fo's escaping! Guards help!
RHINO GUARD: What's all this screaming about?!
PO: That guard is Tong Fo, he's escaping. Listen to me, I'm the Dragon Warrior.
[The guard begins laughing.]
RHINO GUARD: The Dragon Warrior?! Right! I could see you doing that! Haha, the super goat!
[As the guard continues laughing, Po looks at his reflection and still sees Sheng.]
PO: Awe, Shifu was right, the Valley of Peace is doomed, and it's all my fault! No!
[Po yells no as the camera shows a view of Chorh Gom Prison.]
[End of Act 2]
[While in his cell disguised as Sheng, Po is laughed at by the rhino guards for claiming to be the Dragon Warrior.]
RHINO GUARD 1: (While laughing) Li-Listen, listen to this!
[Another guard comes.]
PO (AS SHENG): Let me out! I'm the Dragon Warrior. I used a stone to turn into a goat and make friends with Tong Fo, but he took the stone and escaped, and he's gonna get the sacred hammer and destroy the Valley of Peace.
[Both guards begin laughing.]
RHINO GUARD 1: That's… That's hilarious right?!
[Po begins losing hope.]
RHINO GUARD 2: Hey where's Tong Fo?
[A guard runs out of the cell.]
RHINO GUARD 1: Tong Fo's escaped!
RHINO GUARD 3: Tong Fo's escaped!
RHINO GUARD 4: Close the gate!
RHINO GUARD 5: Tong Fo's escaped, close the gate!
[As a rhino guard, Tong Fo leaves the prison.]
TONG FO (RHINO): Closing the gate, sometimes… it's too easy. [He close the gate and leaves the prison.]
[Back in the cell, Po begs to escape.]
PO: Let me out!
RHINO GUARD: Not a chance goat, Tong Fo may be gone, but that don't make you…
[Po grabs the guard through the bars and hits him against the cell gate.]
PO: Sorry! [Hits the guard.] Sorry! [Hits the guard.] Sorry! [The guard falls to the floor. Po takes the guard's keys and unlocks his cell and opens it. He hits the guard, again, while opening the cell.] Sorry!
[Fung and his gang remain locked in another cell.]
FUNG: Man, that goat kicked our butts. I mean, he was like all brutal and all but, his eyes, they like said "I care". We should totally start sucking up to the goat. You know, just until Tong Fo comes back.
GAHRI: Yeah but, what if the goat doesn't want us?
FUNG: Don't even talk like that Gary, just do whatever the goat says.
[Someone enters the cell.]
PO (SHENG): I'm busting out and I need your help, you're with me?
[They exit the cell. Po peeks his head out, along with all of the other crocodiles who then fall when Po opens the door. Fung and a short crocodile walk out, but Po stops them.]
PO: [Looking towards the upper bridges.] We gotta get up there.
[A rhino guard paces on the bridge.]
PO (SHENG): A little help?
RHINO GUARD: Huh? [He turns around and sees 'Sheng' on stacked on top of all of the other crocs.] I'm gonna have to say no.
[He pushes 'Sheng' with his spear, causing the group to fall and flip around to the other side of the bridge. Po lands on the bridge behind the guard. The guard is beat by Po and left hanging halfway off the bridge. The group of crocs, hanging onto each other, is lifted up the bridge. On the bridge, Po, Fung, and the bandits face a large group of guards. Po and Fung nod at each other and then attack the guards. Po attacks several guards, taking one of their axes. Po makes a guard drop his shield on his head and uses it to block an axe hit. He then knocks out the same guard. Two more guards rush Po.]
PO: Get the door!
[Po spins into the other guards, knocking them out. Fung and his group approach the door.]
FUNG: Hit it. [Two crocs slam into the door and fall down.] Hit it again. [Another croc slams into the door and falls down.] Hit it! [Another croc slams into the door and falls down.] Hit it! [The last croc slams into the door and falls down.] Hit it, hit it, hit it!
PO: Watch out for the archers!
FUNG: What archers? [An arrow knocks off Fung's helmet.] Darn it! [Fung bends down to pick up his helmet, a bunch of arrows hit the wall above Fung.]
[Three archers continuously shoot arrows towards the group. Po picks up a shield and throws it at the archers. The shield hits the wall behind the archers and bounces off and knocks the archers out. Po unlocks the door and opens it. The group escapes.]
PO: Run, run!
[The group makes it far from the prison and stops in a bamboo forest.]
PO: (Short on breath) Stop running… we… made it.
FUNG: Yeah. Are you gonna barf?
PO: No. Maybe. [Po gags. The crocs back away. He nearly barfs, but he swallows it.]
FUNG: So, what now?
PO: Well, you guys can get back to banditing or whatever. [He begins walking away.] I've gotta keep Tong Fo from the Sacred War Hammer of Lei Lang.
FUNG: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going after Tong Fo?
PO: Uh, yeah. [He stops.]
FUNG: I can't let you do that goat; Tong Fo's still our guy.
PO: Make him a collage or something. I don't have time for this. [He continues forward.]
GAHRI: We're making collages?
[Fung pushes Gahri down. Back in the Valley of Peace, Tigress and Monkey arrive back from their errands. They approach a rhino who put up a poster.]
TIGRESS: What's this? [She takes down the poster.] A prisoner escaped from Chorh Gom. Oh look at this maniac; that sinister brow, those evil, psychotic eyes.
[The poster is of the same one that Shifu had shown Po earlier. Meanwhile, Tong Fo arrives at Camelback Mountain.]
TONG FO (RHINO): Such a beautiful day to destroy the Valley of Peace. [He looks down at the Valley of Peace. He begins entering a corridor when Po arrives.] Goat, or should I say: Dragon Warrior.
PO: Tong Fo, or should I say… uh, hand over the hammer.
TONG FO: You don't really think I'm gonna do that do you?
PO: No, I figured we'd have to fight first.
[Tong Fo attacks Po and is immediately pinned down.]
TIGRESS: Hold it!
[Tigress and Monkey stand ready to fight.]
TONG FO (RHINO): My heroes! You've arrived just in time to help me catch this terrible villain. He escaped from prison.
PO (SHENG): Tigress, thank goodness you're… [Tigress punches Po.] here. [Po then evades Tigress' and Monkey's next attack.] Wait that's Tong Fo he... [Tigress and Monkey pin Po down. Tong Fo begins walking down the corridor again.] (While evading attacks) Guys, really… I'm Po I'm on a... secret mission.
MONKEY: He does sound like Po.
TIGRESS: Last time I checked, Po was a panda not a goat.
PO (SHENG): It's a disguise. [Tigress attacks Po against a wall.] I took Shifu's shift stone.
[Po uses his belly to hit Monkey into the air.]
MONKEY: He fights like Po!
TIGRESS: Beginner's luck.
[They continue attacking Po.]
PO: Wait I'll prove it's me. Monkey, you shaved your back once on a dare. Tigress, you cried once two summers ago. Monkey, you told me you were afraid of birch trees. Tigress dry-heaves when she hears the word "slurp". [Tigress dry-heaves.] Monkey, love songs make you cry. [Monkey gasps.] And Tigress, when you were a teenager you had a crush on Shifu.
TIGRESS: (Gasps) He really is Po.
[Tigress un-pins Po and kicks him once more.]
PO: If you're done hitting me, we have to stop Tong Fo from getting the…
TONG FO (RHINO): … Sacred War Hammer of Lei Lang. [Tong Fo now wields the hammer.] Guess we don't need this anymore. [He crushes the shift stone, causing both him and Po to turn back to normal. Po feels his face.] Okay folks, time to start them show. [He raises the hammer.]
FUNG: Wait! We're here to help you in your time of need boss.
[The bandits stand on each other to get up them cliff side.]
TONG FO: You know, actually, what I really need is not so many interruptions.
[Po slams into Tong Fo, causing the hammer to be thrown into the air.]
TIGRESS: Don't let it hit the ground!
[Tigress catches the hammer and then fends of several croc bandits while keeping the hammer from hitting the ground. Monkey then assists Tigress by grabbing the hammer and jumping higher up the cliff. The bandits stand on each other to reach Monkey. Po then throws Tong Fo out of the corridor and into the bandits. The bandits fall. The hammer falls but Po catches it. Tong Fo fights Po for the Hammer. The hammer is thrown towards the cliff edge. Tigress kicks the hammer towards Po and Tong Fo, she then falls off the cliff. Po has the hammer form a short time but is unable to grab it. Tigress is caught from falling by Monkey. Fung catches the hammer.]
FUNG: Fortune has smiled on us yet again. (Chuckles)
GAHRI: Again? Never smiled on us before.
FUNG: Gary, you…
[The fight between Po and Tong Fo knocks the crocodiles away. Po tries desperately to keep Tong Fo from getting the hammer, but Tong Fo grabs the hammer and crawls up a rock spire. He raises the hammer, but gets stopped by Po.]
TONG FO: I admire your tenacity, I really do, but I'm faster than you, I'm smarter than you, and I'm smarter than you.
PO: You already said that
TONG FO: That's because I'm twice as smart as you. Ha, a little joke there. [He continues jumping on the hammer to make Po drop it.]
PO: [The hammer nears the ground.] Careful… there… hammer… go boom!
TONG FO: Your tomfoolery, is growing tiresome to me in an irritating sort of way. [He continues jumping.]
PO: Then, you're really gonna hate, this! [Po raises the hammer into the air with Tong Fo hanging onto it.]
[They fall off the cliff. Po swings Tong Fo off of the hammer and into a cliff face. Po lands on Tigress and Monkey, who were just about to get into a fight. A small croc grabs hold of the hammer and raises it. The warriors gasp.]
TONG FO: Destroy them, and you can be my lackeys for ever.
FUNG: Yes, you heard the man! Wipe 'em out.
[The croc faces the bandits and Tong Fo with the hammer.]
TONG FO: What are you doing, little croc?
[The croc takes out a shift stone.]
PO: A shift stone! I thought Shifu had all of those.
LITTLE CROC: I do. [He transforms back into Shifu.]
TONG FO: This is an eventuality, I did not for see. I'm very disappointed.
FUNG: At least we're together.
[Tong Fo snaps at Fung. The group ties up the criminals.]
PO: So, you were a croc the whole time?
SHIFU: Not the whole time. After I saw you had taken the shift stone. I decided to go after you.
PO: 'Cause you thought I'd message everything up.
SHIFU: No, well yes. [Po frowns.] But I was wrong. [Po stops frowning.] I underestimated you panda. Without you, we never would have stopped Tong Fo.
PO: You mean that.
SHIFU: I do.
TONG FO: Why don't you two just hug already?
[Po grabs the hammer.]
SHIFU: Careful with that Po!
PO: Relax. [He swings the hammer around.] I may not be all finesse, subtle and cunning-ish, but I'm not… [The hammer slips out of his hands and blows something up. A large smoking crater is left in the valley.] stupid. [He grins nervously.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]