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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Has-been Hero" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Kevin Seccia. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
PO: I'm late!
[Po rushes to the Jade Palace when he notices a poster on a tree.]
[Scene cuts to 2D version of Kwan the Unkillable at Kong Bai Stadium and Po as a young panda.]
PO [Voiceover]: That place was jam-packed full of amazing... food vendors. And Kwan was awesome.
[Kwan jumps high into the air and lands down on a pole so hard everyone in the stadium vibrated, even Young Po and his food.]
PO [Voiceover]: He was incredible! That was the day he was going to introduce the Ram Slam!
[Back in the present the poster comes to life with Kwan speaking in Shifu's voice.]
SHIFU: Po! Po! Po?
PO: Gah! I'm late! Oops! [Po puts the poster back where he found it.] He's coming!
[The Furious Five are training.]
PO: Kwan the Unkillable is coming to the Valley of Peace. He's gonna leave it... in pieces!
SHIFU: You're late, panda.
PO: I saw Kwan fight when I was a kid. He was my hero!
MANTIS: Who isn't your hero? [Mantis defends himself.] The only person you don't idolize is Ling the shoemaker. [He defends himself again.]
PO: Actually... I mean, he makes a pretty good shoe.
[Po gets smacked by Tigress.]
TIGRESS: I've seen Kwan's show. It's staged. It's fake. That's not real kung fu.
PO: If knocking out a hundred ninjas coming at you in single file isn't real kung fu, I don't know what is.
[Someone knocks on the door and Crane answers it.]
[Crane starts to develop a crush on Bai Li while she is just standing there.]
CRANE: Y- Yo- You... have a nose.
[Crane smacks Monkey.]
PO: I am the Dragon Warrior. How may I be of assistance, citizen?
BAI LI: I have been sent by Kwan the Unkillable. Kwan requests the pleasure of your presence at his match.
PO: [Gasp] Kwan knows who I am? And he thinks my presence is a pleasure?
'[Po takes the ticket scrolls and walks backwards while Crane is still looking at Bai Li.]
BAI LI: We look forward to seeing you there. [She closes the doors.]
PO: Hey, I got an extra ticket if anyone...
CRANE: I'll go!
PO: Awesome! [Gasp] I wonder how hard it would be to shave Kwan's name into my fur?
SHIFU: As pressing as that question is, you've got training to do, panda.
[Shifu brings Po to a wooden dummy.]
SHIFU: I want you to swing hard at this target, but not hit it.
PO: That's it?
PO: 'Cause usually when we do one-to-one training, you're up to something tricky, like that time when it turned out the training dummy was made of tar and I got stuck in...
[Po starts to get in his position but gets distracted and unfocused while Shifu is annoyed.]
[Po finally punches the wooden dummy but touches it and gets smacked in the back of the head.]
SHIFU: You have strength, panda. But you lack restraint. Come with me.
PO: Little help.
[Shifu puts Iron Turtle Shells on Po's hands and feet.]
SHIFU: Iron turtle shells.
PO: Woah! [Struggles] Kinda... heavy!
SHIFU: Train with the iron turtle shells and control and precision will be yours.
[Po tries to lift the iron turtle shells on his hands but are too heavy to lift, when he lifts them to high he falls down and punches his belly, he gets up and tries to punch the dummy but ends up spinning around.]
SHIFU: It takes a while. I'll be back.
PO: Wait! How do I... take these... things off?
SHIFU: You can't! They lock! I'll do it when you're ready.
PO: But, but, Shifu, Shifu, Shifu, it's just that I... I mean... I have tickets to see Kwan! And could I do this twice later?
[Shifu grunts, he releases the iron turtle shells on Po's hands.]
PO: Thank you!
[Po falls down and realizes that Shifu didn't remove the iron turtle shells from his feet, later Po looks and the banner.]
PO: [Gasp] Check out that banner! This is gonna be insane! The return of Kwan! Can you feel the electricity? Can you smell the excitement?
CRANE: Smells more like month-old bean ramen. [Crane looks around.] Where is everyone?
[Zoom out shows not that many people there and someone coughing.]
PO: I don't know. Kwan used to pack this place so full. Sometimes I had to fit into one seat.
ANNOUNCER: Introducing the main event of the evening! He has the power of the ocean, the speed of the mountain. He is Kwan the Unkillable!
[Kwan the Unkillable is shown to be an old man.]
PO: Yeah! Kwan rules all! [Applause] Yeah! Who's the goat? You are!
[Bai Li takes Kwan's crunch.]
PO: Yeah, I guess. Although, he used to be taller, I think.
ANNOUNCER: And his opponent, Bolo the Tepid!
PO: Boo! [Chuckles] Awesome!
[The fight begins and Kwan is seen losing.]
PO: Kwan, you own this guy! He's got him right where he wants him.
[Kwan falls face down.]
PO: Okay, maybe not right where he wants him.
[Po watches in tragic horror as Kwan continues to lose, finally Kwan is defeated and Bolo the Tepid wins.]
CRANE: Sorry, Po!
PO: Sorry? What do you mean? I mean, he's still Kwan the Unkillable. [Gasp] I gotta get him to sign my belly. I mean, my poster. [Po stares at Crane] Do you think he'd sign my belly?
[Po and Crane are walking to Kwan's confession booth, they both open the doors and see Kwan relaxing, Po gasp.]
KWAN: Po! You made it. Tea?
[Kwan struggles trying to lift the tea cup but Po grabs it.]
KWAN: It's such an honor to meet the Dragon Warrior.
[Po drops the tea cup and breaks it.]
PO: Wow! Kwan the Unkillable. Will you sign my bell-- poster?
'[Kwan struggles even more trying to get to Po's poster so he can sign it, soon Crane pushes Po forward and Kwan signs it.]
KWAN: I am so honored you were here to see my last fight.
PO: Last fight? No! Why?
KWAN: I'm finished! No one wants to see an old man fall down.
PO: Monkey might. Come on, you're not that old!
[Po launches Kwan's teeth into one of his buckets.]
KWAN: At least my glass eye didn't pop out.
[His glass eye pops out.]
PO: I wish there was something I could do to help you get back on top.
[Bai Li takes out Kwan's teeth and glass eye from the bucket and gives it back.]
PO: I'm like your biggest fan. I even have Kwan the Unkillable lunchbox with authentic old milk smell! I'd do anything.
KWAN: Well, I could fight someone great, let's say, like the Dragon Warrior? Well, that would put me on top again. Kwan the Unkilla...
[His teeth fall out again.]
PO: Fight the Drag... Fight the Dragon... But, don't you think maybe you might kind of like... lose, a little bit?
KWAN: No. Because you would let me win.
PO: Ahh! I'm not following you.
KWAN: You know. You would pretend to lose. Like, you hit me very lightly and I say, "Ha! Is this your worst?" Then I hit you maybe not so light and you react like... Ohh! Arrg! "Your kung fu is too strong for me! Kwan, you are unkillable! You are the champion of all, even me!" [He falls down]
PO: Oh! I get it! It'll be like, like a play! I'll just do little baby punches. [Po punches a wall down] Woah! Gotta work on that.
KWAN: I could be great again. I could live! And not spend my last coin on flowers for my grave.
[Kwan's glass eye falls off again and Po picks it up.]
PO: But I...
[Kwan struggles in despair when his teeth fall out again.]
PO: I'll do it!
[Po gives him back his glass eye.]
KWAN: I knew I could count on you.
[Kwan puts on his glass eye wrong and fixes it.]
[Kwan tries to shake Po's hand while he shakes his, Po is overjoyed by this moment.]
PO: There's something in my eye. I'm not crying. Very manly! Did you see that? My lifelong hero totally shook my hand and called me Po! Which is my name! You don't think he minded me blowing my nose in his beard, do you?
CRANE: You're right. She is pretty.
[Crane picks up a bouquet of roses.]
CRANE: Hey, I think I left my hat back where the pretty piggy lady is, so I...
PO: It's on your head.
CRANE: Oh, Ho-Ho! Well, look at... OK, bye!
[Crane goes back to Kwan's confession booth.]
CRANE: Hello? Anybody here? Bai Li? It's... It's me! Crane!
KWAN: You shouldn't be here!
CRANE: [Gasp] Kwan? Kwan! You... You're not... You... Oh! Oh, I gotta warn Po.
KWAN: Bai Li!
CRANE: Bai Li, get behind me! Not safe! It's Kwan! He--
[Bai Li hits Crane on the head with a wooden bucket so hard it causes the screen to vibrate and go black.]
PO: Monkey, help me out! I've gotta lose to Kwan, and I can't restrain my awesomeness.
[Monkey thinks and he looks at the stacks of plates.]
MONKEY: Okay, let's say this plate is Kwan's jaw. Try to stop your punch early.
[Po doesn't stop his punch early enough and breaks the plate.]
MONKEY: More early! Try again!
[Po breaks another plate.]
MONKEY: Keep trying!
[Po breaks three more plates.]
PO: What if we run out of plates?
[Monkey shows Po that there are many plates left.]
MONKEY: We're never gonna run out of plates. (Later) We ran out of plates.
PO: Gah! I can't do little baby punches! They all come out like big panda punches.
MONKEY: Why do you wanna punch a baby?
PO: What? No! I just don't wanna hurt Kwan in the fight.
MONKEY: I think you're supposed to hurt people in a fight.
PO: It's not a real fight. It's like a show. Like a fun show.
MONKEY: No, a fun show is an old man falling down.
PO: [Annoyed] I just wanna help my hero and lose the fight!
SHIFU: Po! To honor kung fu, you must do your best at all times. Anything else is cheating.
PO: But, Master Shifu, I'm just gonna, you know, do him a little favor.
SHIFU: Which means?
PO: I'm gonna, like, you know... hold back a little.
SHIFU: Which means?
PO: I'm not gonna do my best, which means I'm gonna cheat. [Grunts]
SHIFU: Po, losing is not dishonorable if it is for the right reason. But having a Kwan the Unkillable lunchbox with authentic old milk smell is not the right reason.
PO: Someone's been in my room. Ahh! What am I gonna do? I hit him, I'm gonna knock his jaw back to the Yuen dynasty.
MONKEY: When was that?
PO: Like, last week sometime. How can I try my hardest, yet still not hit?
KWAN: I might have an idea.
PO: Kwan! You came up all those stairs to see me?
KWAN: I started before dawn. Perhaps, Po, a master such as yourself might use something to slow down and tame your impressive skills.
PO: Like what?
KWAN: Are those iron turtle shells?
[Po and Monkey turn around.]
PO: Yeah, the iron turtle shells! Great idea! If I wore the iron... Kwan?
[Po turns around and sees that Kwan has left.]
MONKEY: It's a long way back.
[Soon the scene cuts to Crane waking up with amnesia.]
CRANE: Where... am I? [Groans] Where am I?
BAI LI: Oh, you're at my little tea party.
CRANE: Who are you? And what have you done with my... whatever it is that I don't remember that's mine?
BAI LI: You don't remember... anything?
BAI LI: You don't remember that maybe you liked me?
CRANE: No! But, well, you are sort of my type.
[Bai Li makes an annoying laugh.]
CRANE: Wow! Now that you'd think I'd remember.
BAI LI: You know, if you promise not to run away, I promise not to hit you on the head again.
CRANE: Hit me on the-- Wait... you're Bai Li! With the nose! I am remembering something! Something to do with Kwan!
[Po spots a banner of him and Kwan.]
PO: Woah! Look at that banner! Kwan the Unkillable and the Dragon Warrior! Together! Too cool! Monkey, get a quick sketch of this.
[Po sees the souvenir cart.]
PO: AHH! Souvenirs! Look at this! Little stuffed action figures! GA-GA-GA-GA-GA! [Gasp] Commemorative cups! Silkscreen tunics!
[Po has spotted something so stupendous he shakes and shivers while he is picking it up.]
PO: A Po versus Kwan the Unkillable lunchbox?!
[Po smells the scent of the lunchbox.]
PO: With authentic old milk smell? How do they do that in just one day?
[Monkey starts to get annoyed by this so he tries to take the lunchbox away from him, while he's dragging Po, he returns it to the souvenir salesman.]
MONKEY: No time! In the ring!
PO: Hold that for me!
CRANE: Kwan's up to something. I gotta see Po and tell him!
ANNOUNCER: Introducing the main event of the evening!
[Po lifts up one of the iron turtle shells.]
PO: Here! Help me with these weights.
[Monkey locks the iron turtle shells to Po's hands and feet.]
ANNOUNCER: He has the power of the ocean, the speed of a mountain!
MONKEY: Those are gonna slow you down.
PO: Hey, I gotta give him a chance, you know? Make a good show.
ANNOUNCER: He is Kwan the Unkillable!
PO: I mean, he is kind of a feeble old man.
CRANE: I saw Kwan, and he's no feeble old man!
[Kwan destroys his crunch and stops acting like an old man while Po watches bewildered, Kwan destroyes two bamboo poles and grabs two pieces.]
KWAN: Dragon Warrior! Time to meet your doom.
PO: Is this part of the show?
[The audience watches and cheers as the fight is about to begin.]
KWAN: I've been waiting a long time for this, panda!
PO: Wait... Uhh! What?
[Kwan starts to attack Po viciously while Po is defenseless.]
BAI LI: You want to see Po? Oh, you'll see him. Maybe on a doctor's bed... after Kwan annihilates him!
[Crane gasps, he raises his foot and brakes the stone spinning him, but is still tied to the pole.]
CRANE: That won't happen! Nothing's gonna slow down the Dragon Warrior.
PO: [Struggles] Maybe not the best time to be wearing these.
[Kwan grabs Po and is still attacking him.]
CRANE: I've gotta warn my friend.
[Crane loses his balance because of the pole he's tied to.]
CRANE: Give me a minute!
[Bai Li laughs annoyingly again.]
CRANE: Before this next thing, I want to tell you something. Your laugh is really annoying!
[Bai Li jumps and attacks Crane, but Crane raises his legs and attacks Bai Li first, when Bai Li is down Crane runs to the stairs, but gets stuck because of the pole, Bai Li tries to attack again, but Crane attacks her with the pole and smashes her against the wall, Crane found his hat and puts it back on his head, he charges to the wall while Bai Li avoids it, soon Crane is free but soon realizes that he is falling from a high distance and can't fly.]
PO: Oh, no! He's gonna use the Ram Slam against me!
[Kwan the Unkillable does the Ram Slam.]
[The Ram Slam is shown in slow-motion, soon Crane lands near the ring and blocks Kwan from Po, he falls down hard while the audience and Monkey laugh.]
MONKEY: Hey, good one!
CRANE: Kwan wants to kill you! Bai Li kidnapped me and held me prisoner for, like... What day is it? Is it Wednesday? I lost track of time.
PO: Wait! What? Kwan's trying to kill me?
MONKEY: [Laughs] Great routine!
CRANE: It's not a routine! Kwan set Po up!
MONKEY: Say what, who?
KWAN: You don't remember, do you, humiliating me?
PO: Not really! I humiliate a lot of people.
KWAN: It was quite some time ago.
[Kwan flashes back to his original fighting banners.]
KWAN [Voiceover]: I was poised to be a champion, a true warrior!
[Kwan goes to Po's flashback but this time when he vibrates the stadium the next scene shows Young Po's dumplings flying into Kwan's fight.]
KWAN [Voiceover]: After years of working up to it, I was ready to introduce my finishing move, the Ram Slam.
[One of Young Po's dumplings flies into Kwan's right eye.]
KWAN [Voiceover]: Then, out of nowhere, a dumpling took me down. Your dumpling!
[Everyone laughs at Kwan's failure and humiliation.]
KWAN [Voiceover]: I was a joke. It was your dumpling that cost me everything.
[Soon the new banners show Kwan losing to his opponents, the scene goes back to the present.]
KWAN: From then on, I could only get work... by losing.
PO: Help me get these weights off.
[Monkey gasp, he rushes over to help Po, but Kwan takes him away.]
KWAN: Where you going? I'm just getting started!
[Monkey climbs up the pole Crane is tied to, once he has it he starts to spin it around at top speed, Crane is getting very dizzy, he knocks out Kwan and accidentally launches Crane outside the match, soon Monkey unlocks one of the iron turtle shells.]
MONKEY: That's one!
[Kwan charges at Monkey and launches him far away from Po.]
[Kwan spins around Po and launches him near a side of the ring, he grabs an axe and tries to slice Po, soon he accidentally breaks free one of the other iron turtle shells.]
PO: That's two!
[Kwan continues to use the axe, Po defends himself with one of the iron turtle shells on his hand, soon it cracks open.]
PO: That's three!
[Kwan tosses the axe away.]
AUDIENCE: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[Kwan charges at Po but Po stops him with his hand, Kwan tosses him, he knocks him down with his arms, Po grabs him and launches him, but he grabs a bamboo and Kwan kicks him knocking him on his side, he stares at the audience to claim his glory, soon Po gets up and runs to attack him, Kwan notices this, he turns around and catches him, Po uses his legs and tosses him to the ground, Po tries to unlock the last iron turtle shell, but Kwan attacks him again, Po drops the iron turtle shell on his foot which hurts him, Po grabs his neck and does the pile driver, Po tries again to get the iron turtle shell off, but Kwan grabs him and his pants, he drops him on his back and knocks himself out with the iron turtle shell, he takes Po back to his position as Kwan does the Ram Slam again, Po struggles trying to raise the iron turtle shell, when Kwan lands on the iron turtle shell the screen vibrates and zooms out, his teeth and glass eye fall out in slow motion, and when Kwan lands they were both put back on the wrong way, Kwan fixes it and soon admits defeat.]
KWAN: Go ahead, Po! Now you can finish what you started. You can finally destroy me once and for all. Just what you always wanted!
PO: No, never! I never wanted that, ever! I was a kid! I'm your fan. I didn't even know. I'm sorry! You're my hero!
KWAN: No, I'm sorry! And I'm no hero.
PO: Wait! You can still be one, still be a hero!
PO: Say, "Ha! Is this your worst?"
PO: Say, "Ha! Is this your worst?"
KWAN: Oh! I... [Coughs] Ha! Is this your worst?
[Po grabs Kwan's hand and punches his face and chest with it, he pretends to be knocked out.]
PO: Oh! Argh! Your kung fu is too strong for me! Kwan!
[Po tries to flip himself over.]
PO: You are unkillable! You are the champion of all!
[The audience cheers for Kwan as he is about to finish Po off.]
KWAN: You sure?
PO: There is no dishonor in losing if it's for the right reason.
ANNOUNCER: And the winner is...
[Kwan reaches for Po's hand and raises it up.]
KWAN: The Dragon Warrior!
[The audience cheers for the winners.]
PO: Kwan the Unkillable!
[Monkey and Crane cheer for this moment as well, then Bai Li shows up and laughs again.]
KWAN: Thank you, Po! Is there some way I can make it up to you?
PO: Acually... You could sign my belly.
[Kwan the Unkillable signs Po's belly, when Po is amazed by this he passed out while the audience is still cheering.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]