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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Bosom Enemies" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Gene Grillo. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens with Mr. Ping angrily walking out of his noodle shop to talk to an off-screen character.]
Mr. Ping: I hear you got skills. Well, let’s see how well you do… with a goose with an attitude! [raises a butcher knife] Hiya!
[After he brings down the knife, the off-screen character appears to be a radish – laid above the cutting board of a merchant. Po looks over Mr. Ping’s shoulder and eats the radish.]
Knife Merchant: Best knives on the market. Only ten yuan.
Mr. Ping: What? Ten yuan? Ten yuan?! [slams the knife on the merchant’s stall] Robbery! Call the magistry. I’m being robbed here. Robber!
Taotie: [off-screen] Used knives for sale! Get them while they’re cheap! Three yuan!
[Taotie and Bian Zao are seen in their own stall, with Taotie wearing a fake mustache as a disguise.]
Mr. Ping: Ooh! Three yuan? That’s exactly what I’m looking for.
[Po casually walks up to Taotie and takes off his disguise.]
Taotie: You’ve fallen right into my trap, Dragon Warrior! [pulls a lever to transform his stall into a buzzsaw-wielding robot] Haha! The Rotating Sharp Things of Doom. Activate!
[As Po runs away from the robot, he puts the bystanders out of danger. Eventually, he trips over a stall and has a wok over his head. Taotie laughs maniacally and flings knives at Po, who blocks the knives with the wok. Taotie moves the buzzsaw closer to a helpless Po’s neck.]
Taotie: At last, the moment I’ve dreamt of! [laughs]
[As the buzzsaw gets closer, Po scrambles for a nearby object, eventually picking up an apple. He throws the apple in the robot’s joints, causing it to break down.]
Taotie: Oh poo.
[Po throws the knife-filled wok into the air and kicks it, propelling the knives to pin Taotie to a wall. The villagers and a smug-grinned Po approach Taotie.]
Taotie: No. No! Nooo! I was so close. So mind-bogglingly close! Mind-boggingly! [looks down in defeat] I always lose. You beat my Iron Claws of Doom. You beat my Flying Bamboo Bird of Incalculable Retribution.
Bian Zao: Don’t forget when you turned the Training Hall into a killing machine.
Po: Yeah, beat ya then too.
Taotie: And now I’ve failed. Yet again. Oh no, no! What could possibly top the soul-crushing shame of another soul-crushing defeat?
[Po frees Taotie from the knives, accidentally ripping out his clothes and leaving him naked in his underwear.]
Taotie: Yep, that would do it.
Po: I didn’t mean to umm… [giggles]
[The villagers gasp and then laugh. As Taotie looks around the laughing audience, his eyes suddenly constrict and then he falls on his side – crying. Po and the villagers stop laughing.]
Bian Zao: Dad? Dad…
Po: [shoos away crowd] Uh, it’s alright. It’s alright, folks. He’s alright. Nothing appropriate to see here.
[A kid continues to laugh, but Po also shoos him away.]
Taotie: [cradling in fetal position] Hey-na-ni-na-ni-no. Hey-na-ni-no. Hey-na-ni-na-ni-no. Hey-na-ni-no.
Po: Uhh, is he ok?
Bian Zao: You… broke my dad!
Po: But I didn’t—
Bian Zao: Please. Please! Just… let me take him home. It’s the least you can do.
Po: What? I can’t help a bad guy. That would make me a bad guy too.
Taotie: [laughs hysterically] There once was a goat from Chengdu-u-u… whose tushy got stuck in some glue-e-e [falls back and continues laughing]
Po: Dah— fine! Jus-jus-just take him home. But don’t let him do anything, you know, evil.
Taotie: [walks away with Bian Zao] Whose tushy got stuck in some glue. [laughs]
Mr. Ping: Oh yeah, you really messed him up good.
Taotie: Cuz a fair young lass s’are I came a’clogging. [laughs]
[The scene fades to Po in the Training Hall, swinging around nunchucks until eventually he hits himself and falls down.]
Po: Stupid nunchucks. [throws nunchucks at the wall, which then bounces back to hit his stomach] Ow!
[Shifu and the Furious Five enter the Training Hall.]
Shifu: Panda, I heard you ran into Taotie this morning. Why didn’t you tell me?
Po: Taotie? Cuz he, uhh, escaped, in a hovering, flying, hovering thing.
[Shifu and the Furious Five stare at Po in disbelief.]
Shifu: We’ll have to go after him at once. And Bian Zao as well. [unfolds a scroll from a table] You can all begin your search here. Then make your way out to the surrounding areas.
[As Po looks down in guilt, he hears a creak and looks at the door. He sees Bian Zao sneaking his way inside.]
Po: Bian Zao? [begins sneaking away to the door]
Shifu: Crane. Monkey. Cover the road out of town. The rest? Cover the north.
[The scene cuts to Po and Bian Zao meeting outside the Training Hall.]
Po: [whispers angrily] What are you doing here? If Shifu finds out—
Bian Zao: It’s my dad! He’s in real bad shape. Ya have to help him.
Po: Me? Are you crazy?
Bian Zao: No, he is! Cuz of you! You didn’t have to humiliate him like that, and stuff. Please, Po! As lame as it is, he’s… all I have.
Po: But I— oh fine…
[Bian Zao smiles.]
Po: But none of his trickety-tricks, or I’ll be forced to— Waiya! [backhands one of the Training Hall’s wooden beams]
Bian Zao: No tricks. Just talk to him. [walks away]
Po: [shakes hand in pain] Ow-hoo-hoo-ow! [walks away with Bian Zao]
[Shifu slowly opens the Training Hall door.]
[The scene fades to the exterior of Taotie’s home.]
Bian Zao: [opens door] Dad? I’m home.
Taotie: [drags a mace] Oh that’s nice. [throws the mace on top of a pile of other weapons and climbs up] Oh sweet Qin Li la-la-la.
Po: Umm, what are you… what are you doing?
Taotie: Nothing! Just destroying my life’s work. [smashes pile with the mace] Inventions. You know. Everything. [continues smashing] Oh so pointless.
Po: Uh. Right yeah. Uhh, about making fun of you before. That wasn’t cool. And… I’m sorry.
Taotie: [leaps down] Nonsense, you’ve finally made me see the truth! What an utter failure I am as a villain. Thanks, Po! [extends hand for a handshake]
Po: You’re… welcome? [shakes Taotie’s hand]
Taotie: Plus, you’ve also stripped me of all purpose… in life! So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna sob! Uncontrollably. [walks to a corner and cries on his knees]
[Po attempts to leave, but Bian Zao blocks him.]
Bian Zao: Where you going? You gotta fix him!
Po: I apologized. What else can I do?
Bian Zao: Well, figure something out! Or else! [threatens to shoot Po with a slingshot]
Po: [puts up hands] Hey. Careful! That’s not a toy. Is it a toy?
[A rubber snap is heard, following with Po sliding across the floor with a ball stuck between his eyes.]
Po: [groans] Not a toy…
Bian Zao: You fix my dad!
Po: Look BZ, back off before I— [hits himself with nunchucks] Ow! Stupid defective nunchucks. [tosses them near Taotie]
Taotie: [picks up nunchucks] They are not defective. The ergonomics are disproportionate to your body dynamic! [walks away]
Po: Ergo who now?
Taotie: I can create a weapon ideally suited to your body type! [plays with an abacus and a drawing compass] Perfect! [holds up a pencil] This contains all the information I need to design the perfect weapon for you.
Po: But why would you help…
Taotie: Guess what I’m saying Po is… you’re probably the closest thing I have to… to an actual friend! [holds up mace]
Po: [takes mace] Hang on, hang on. We really can be friends… and you can have an entirely new purpose in life! [tosses mace] One that’s even purpose-ier!
Taotie: How’s that?
Po: You can… become a good guy! You’ll build your gadgets, but they’ll be crime-fighting gadgets!
Taotie: Wha-what’s the catch?
Po: No catch! It’s just, well… I feel really bad about, you know…
Taotie: Causing my utter mental breakdown?
Po: Yeah, that and… I know you can do this. I believe in you.
Taotie: [pauses] Meet me in town at noon tomorrow. I’ll have your new nunchucks all ready. And thanks, pal. [extends hand]
[Po shakes Taotie’s hand]
[The scene fades to Po playfully tossing an apple near an apple stall.]
Apple Merchant: You gonna buy an apple or what?
Po: Huh? No, sorry. I was just killing time until—
[Tigress slowly walks up behind Po.]
[Po leaps back in surprise into the stall.]
Tigress: Please tell me you weren’t just buying apples while we searched for Taotie. [extends hand, showing the disappointed remaining members of the Five]
Apple Merchant: [shoves Po] I wish. [walks away with stall]
[Taotie strolls by near Po and the Furious Five.]
Taotie: Well s’are I came a’clogging. Po, I’m—
[A fearful Po looks at Taotie, and then the Five.]
Tigress: Good job, Po. Get him!
[The Five run towards Taotie. Po immediately stands in front of him, causing the Five to crash into him.]
Po: Guys, stop! You don’t want to do this.
Mantis: Yeah, actually, we do. A lot.
[The Five prepare their fighting stances.]
Taotie: [stands in front of Po] In that case, you all leave me with no choice. [spins Po’s upgraded nunchucks at the Five]
Po: Taotie, don’t! Nooo!
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Taotie and the Five standing off against each other, with Po in the background.]
Taotie: As I said, you all leave me with no choice! [tosses the nunchucks into the air, which quickly closes by itself and falls into a special box] No choice but to show off these new nunchucks!
[The Five look at Taotie in complete bewilderment.]
Taotie: The carrying case is hand-stitched soy.
Po: Whoa! [spins nunchucks effortlessly] Wow, they… they feel great!
Taotie: I designed them to fit you like a glove.
[Po flings the nunchucks at a wall, causing it to split in half.]
Monkey: What the heck is going on here?
Crane: Why is Taotie giving Po presents?
Mantis: Uh, didn’t that wall belong to someone?
Po: Guys, listen. Taotie’s changed. He’s gone straight.
Tigress: You can’t believe that! He’s a villain!
Taotie: Please, stop. [touches Po] He’s my friend. And that means more to me than you can possibly know.
[The scene fades to a 2D animation with Taotie as a narrator.]
Taotie: When I was a lad, the only companion I had was a young goat. I called him Goaty. We we’re inseperable. I even showed him my first invention. The Magnificent Magnifier. I was so proud. But Goaty was jealous of my talent. He stole the Magnificent Magnifier and mocked me. Goaty’s betrayal wounded me deeply. Later on, Shifu would turn against me. As did my mother. My father. And my uncle! Who I never really liked anyway. And then there’s the clerk at that cart wash I go to.
Po: I’ll just jump in here. [chuckles]
[The scene flashes back to 3D animation.]
Po: Taotie just needs a friend to believe in him.
[The Five look at Po in disgust.]
Po: I wanna be that friend. Just… just give me a few days to convince you. Please?
[The Five continues to look at Po in disgust. Eventually Mantis steps forward.]
Mantis: Ok. Ok, Po. But if we’re not convinced, we’ll be coming for Taotie.
[The Five walk away.]
Tigress: [turns around] And my guess is Shifu will be coming for you. [turns back]
Taotie: Well, that went well. [cries as he slowly walks away]
[A bored Bian Zao is seen playing with a stick on a sidewalk near Taotie.]
Bian Zao: So, how’d it go?
Po: [chases after Taotie] Taotie, wait up! It can still work. [plays with the nunchucks] You just have to persuade the Five that you’re on the level.
Po: Well, you can design cool weapons for them like you did for me!
Bian Zao: That idea isn’t entirely lame.
Taotie: It might work, but of course I need their exact measurements.
Po: Hmm… just leave it to the Po-man.
Taotie: Really? [bearhugs Po] Oh Po… you’re the best pal ever!
Po: And you’re gonna be the best crime-fighting assistant ever!
Taotie: [disappointed] Assistant?
[The scene fades to the exterior of the Student Barracks during night time. Po is seen sneakily measuring each of the Five with a ruler. When Po is unable to escape from a sleeping Tigress, she sends him out through the roof with a punch.]
[The scene cuts to Taotie in his home, writing on a piece of paper.]
Taotie: There. Perfect!
Po: [opens door and holds up a scroll] Ugh, here are all the measurements! Not quite as easy to get as I had hoped.
Taotie: [knocks away desk clutter and looks in Po’s scroll] Don’t worry. This is exactly what I need. The Furious Five will get the surprise of their lives!
Po: This is great. I’m tellin’ ya Taotie, you really are gonna be the best—
Taotie: Assistant ever. Yes! So you keep saying.
Po: [dances] Best crime-fighting assistant high-five! [extends palm]
[Taotie quickly high-fives Po without looking.]
Bian Zao: Hey, Po. Thanks for helping my dad.
Po: No worries, BZ. [dances] Best crime-fighting assistant son high-five! [extends palm]
[Bian Zao leaves him hanging.]
Po: [leaves] Yeah, lame. Got it.
Taotie: How ‘bout that Po? After all the times I tried to destroy him, he still reaches out to me with kindness and understanding. The fool! [laughs maniacally] Perfect! Those measurements gave me all the information I need to destroy Po and the Furious Five. Once and for all!
Bian Zao: But isn’t Po your new best lame friend?
Taotie: Would a real friend denigrate me to the role of an assistant? Wingman? Fifth wheel? Second fiddle? Never! [walks towards an inactivated robot] Still, I am grateful to Po for reaffirming my true purpose in life.
Bian Zao: Which is?
[After Taotie tinkers with a few gears from the robot, it steams and shakes.]
Taotie: Destroying Po! [The robot rises.] My moment of ultimate triumph is finally at hand!
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with the Five running along the rooftops and eventually landing down into their fighting stance.]
Tigress: We got here as soon as we could. Stay calm! We’re—
[The Five look around in confusion as no visible threat is nearby.]
Apple Merchant: You guys wanna buy some apples?
Crane: I don’t see an army of axe-wielding gorilla warriors.
Mantis: Yeah, who sent word that the village was being invaded?
Po: [peeks out from behind the noodle shop’s entrance] Haha, sorry. That would be me. Had to get you guys here somehow.
Apple Merchant: [looks at both Po and the Five] Ah forget it. [leaves with stall]
Mantis: [to the other four] You wanna hit him first, or can I?
Tigress: I’ll do it.
[Taotie and a large wooden crate is seen standing behind Po.]
Po: Wai-wai-wait! I can prove that Taotie’s really going straight. [turns to Taotie] Taotie, buddy! [whispers] Ok, I warmed them up for you. Ready to win them over?
Taotie: I’ll make an impression alright. That I promise you.
Po: Listen, I got you something. [gives Taotie a red box] You know… to say, welcome to the good guy team. I sent all the way to the Hunan Province for it.
Taotie: Po, you shouldn’t have! In fact, there’s really only one way you can thank me.
Taotie: By being obliterated!
[The crate explodes to reveal a robot. The explosion knocks back Po into the Five. Before the fight against the robot can begin, the Apple Merchant strolls in and quickly leaves after realizing the danger standing in front of him.]
Po: Taotie, what are you doing? I thought we were pals. I believed in you!
Taotie: [climbs up on a roof] Sorry, Dragon Warrior. But Taotie plays assistant to no one. Now feel the fury of my deadly, mechanical Autoamulated Adapt-o-bot!
Bian Zao: [off-screen] Needs a name that’s not lame.
Taotie: Quiet, you. [looks at the Five] Anything the panda can do, it can do!
[As Po dances, the robot mimics him perfectly.]
[The robot walks forward.]
Po: Taotie, stop! This never works. Remember the Claws of Doom? The Flying Bamboo Bird of Incalculable—
[The robot grabs hold of Po’s head and tosses him around, eventually throwing him through multiple walls.]
Mantis: It belly-butted him! That’s Po’s move!
[The Five charge forward.]
Tigress: The panda falls down pretty hard. Let’s see how it does that!
[Initially, the Five manage to trip the robot, but then it effortlessly stands up and propels its fist, which pins Tigress to a wall.]
Mantis: It’s got Tigress’ claws!
[The robot reveals a tail from its backside and swipes Monkey into a wall.]
Mantis: Monkey’s tail!
[As Mantis prepares his fighting stance, the robot reveals a pair of scythe-like arms from its chest.]
Mantis: My pointy-dealies!
[Mantis dodges two strikes from the scythe-like arms, but is then quickly swatted away by its regular arms.]
[Crane ineffectively flings a wheelbarrow at the robot and flies away. The robot reveals its wings and flies towards Crane to smack him down with its tail.]
[Viper ineffectively flings herself at the robot’s chest. The robot reveals its long neck and uses it to blow fire at her, which knocks her back into unconsciousness.]
Taotie: [laughs maniacally] Rue the day you crossed Taotie! Rue!
[Po steps out from a hole in one of the walls to see the Five already defeated by the robot.]
Po: Hang on guys, I’m coming!
[The robot jumps and lands behind Po. It then pushes against Po’s arms. He struggles.]
Taotie: What’s the matter, Po? Do you need… assistance?
Bian Zao: Dad, this is lame. What kind of loser destroys his best friend?
Taotie: Quiet, son. Daddy’s busy.
[The robot tail swipes Po into a wall.]
Bian Zao: But he even got you a present! I mean, it’s probably lame… but still!
Taotie: Huh. Might as well take a look I suppose. [opens box and gasps]
[The robot sends Po into the air by blowing fire at him.]
Taotie: It’s, it’s, a Magnificent Magnifier. Jus-just like the one Goaty stole from me…
[The scene cuts to 2D animation. Glimpses of Taotie and Po’s friendship are shown.]
[The scene cuts back to 3D animation.]
Taotie: We didn’t even do half that stuff, but— [cries in guilt] Oh, double poo…
[Taotie sadly watches as the robot continues to toss Po around.]
[Before the robot can release a fully-charged fire breath at Po, Taotie uses the Magnificent Magnifier to burn a hole on one of the robot’s arms. As a result, the robot stumbles back into a wall.]
Po: Taotie? [looks up] Taotie!
Taotie: Got your back, buddy! You hit him high, I’ll hit him low.
[Taotie burns a hole on one of the robot’s legs, causing it to break and trip the robot.]
[Po flings his nunchucks around the robot’s neck, causing it to attack wildly. He grabs one of the robot’s arms, wraps it around its body, and directs its fist towards its chest. The robot explodes.]
Po: [runs towards the Five] Are you guys ok?
[Po turns to see Taotie groaning in sadness near his destroyed robot.]
Crane: We’re ok. But I kinda hurt my right wing.
Po: Yeah yeah. Great great great. [runs towards Taotie] Uh, Taotie? Thanks for helping me out.
Taotie: [pauses] What are friends for?
[The scene cuts to Taotie and Bian Zao in a dimly lit prison cell.]
Taotie: Some friend! Does he put all his friends in prison? [scribbles on a wall] Well they haven’t seen the last of Taotie! [pats Bian Zao on the arm] What do you think, son?
[The wall is shown to have a drawing of Po being maliciously lifted by a robot.]
[The scene cuts to the exterior of Chorh-Gom Prison.]
Bian Zao: [off-screen] Lame.
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]