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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "A Thousand and Twenty Questions" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Brandon Sawyer. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens up to an overweight, pig messenger running into the Student Barracks' Dining room with a scroll at night. Po and the Furious Five stare at the messenger as he walks in, breathing heavily.]
MESSENGER PIG: [Panting] Message for Master Shifu. [Gasps]
PO: Whoa, whoa, big breaths. Just a message, no need to rush.
TIGRESS: [Walks over to the messenger.] What if it's an urgent message?
[The messenger pig continues breathing heavily.]
PO: Oh my gosh! She's totally right. Is it? Okay, breathe once for not urgent, twice for urgent. [The messenger pig lets out a breath of air. Po lets out a sigh of relief. The messenger pig breathes again.] Urgent! [The messenger pig continue breathing heavily.] 'Kay, now you're just confusing everyone.
MESSENGER PIG: From Master Yao.
MANTIS: Yao? You mean...
PO: The super smart, awesomely powerful, kung fu master who spends all his time in a meditation box!
MANTIS: I was gonna say "Shifu's man-crush", but yeah.
[In the Hall of Warriors, Po, the Furious Five, and the messenger pig gather around as Shifu looks at the scroll..]
SHIFU: Master Yao! Did he right my name himself? Because that would really be something for my scrapbook, uh, I mean, personal archives. [Gasps.]
[Po and Tigress approach Shifu.]
TIGRESS: What is it?
SHIFU: He-- he's coming back here, to the Jade Palace.
SHIFU: [Irritated] Yes.
SHIFU: What is wrong with you? [The doors to the Hall of Warriors open. An escort with Yao in his meditation box comes in.] But, this is so sudden; we haven't had time to prepare!
GOAT: Master Yao requires only a small receiving area for tomorrow's Wonder and Wisdom Exchange.
SHIFU: [Gasps. Reads the scroll.] Master Yao has graciously offered to share the knowledge his years of meditation have given him!
GOAT: From sunrise to sunset, anyone who brings the master a new wonder to experience, some unique sight, sound, smell, or taste, will be permitted to ask a single question of his vast wisdom.
PO: Wait so we bring Master Yao something smelly or whatever and we can ask him anything?
SHIFU: Stop that.
PO: This is awesome! [Jumps] I've got like a billion questions to ask. Where do I even start? See?! That's another one!
TIGRESS: Forget it Po, this event is going to be a madhouse.
MANTIS: Come on, all your burning questions answered, how great is that?!
TIGRESS: I don't have "burning questions". Master Shifu, I really don't think you...
[Shifu immediately starts writing a list.]
SHIFU: Master Yao, what do you look for in a besty? Oh no, too aggressive. In a kung fu companion! Better. [Walks away.]
[Po and the five, excluding Tigress, walk away.]
MANTIS: This is gonna be great!
CRANE: I know!
[The scene transitions to Taotie hammering a nail into a large mechanism at his house. Bian Zao looks out of a window.]
BIAN ZAO: Dad, I'm trying to sleep. Can't you fail quieter.
TAOTIE: That's the sound of impending vengeance, son. Behold, the Sphere of Unerringly Ac-... [Bian Zao moans loudly.] Are you done with... [Bian Zao moans loudly for an extended period of time.] So it's my turn to talk a-... [Bian Zao starts moaning, so Taotie attempts to talk over him.] The sphere o-... [Bian Zao moans loudly and abruptly.] Can I at least finish the name?
BIAN ZAO: I know what it is dad! You've been messing with the same lame ultimate weapon for years, it never works.
TAOTIE: One tweak away my boy, one tweak away from mechanized perfection. One tweak from the Furious Five's total humiliation and ruin! [Twists a nail with a wrench. The mechanism begins violently shaking, then a large acupressure pin comes out and goes up Taotie's snout, lifting him high.] I just don't know which tweak. [Pulls out the acupressure pin.]
[Just outside of the wall that surrounds Taotie's house, a Goat villager and a pig villager look at a poster for Yao's wisdom exchange.]
PIG VILLAGER: ...and Master Yao will really answer any question?!
[Taotie listens to the conversation.]
GOAT VILLAGER: Well that's what the poster says. I mean, if you can't believe in posters anymore, what can you believe in?
[The two villagers walk away. The part of the wall with the poster on it, rotates and brings the poster to Taotie's side of the wall. He picks it up.]
TAOTIE: Wonder and Wisdom Exchange huh? This could be quite opportune. Quite opportune indeed. Opportune do you hear?! [Laughs evilly.]
[The next day, Yao in his box and his escort are at the top of Jade Mountain.]
GOAT: [Opens Yao's box and bows.] We are ready to begin the Wonder and Wisdom Exchange, Master Yao.
[Yao sits in the dark with a look of seriousness. He then jumps out and starts acting ecstatic.]
YAO: Ooh! I feel tingly with anticipation! How wonderful! Has anyone come seeking answers yet?
[A look down the mountain reveals a long line of villagers. Po stands in front eagerly waiting. He starts approaching Yao, but Tigress bumps him out of the way.]
TIGRESS: Master Yao.
PO: Hey, no cut-sies!
YAO: Oh, of course, Master Tigress!
TIGRESS: I don't have a question. I just, master, please reconsider this. There's too big a crowd, it's not safe. I'm just scared that...
YAO: Oh, I don't think asking questions is anything to be afraid of, do you?
TIGRESS: What? No I-I just...
[Po bumps Tigress out of the way.]
PO: Master Yao, awesome to see you again, huge fan of... meditation and... knowing stuff.
YAO: Splendid! Have you brought a new wonder to share with me?
PO: [Pulls out a ginger root and starts grating it.] Sniff a whiff my friend, freshly grated ginger.
YAO: [Sniffs] Delightful! Very good, now your question.
PO: Okay, so, say an ice demon marries a fire demon and they have a baby. Would it be like just an ordinary water demon, or some kind of steam demon.
[Tigress sighs and turns away from Yao. She realizes that the rest of the Furious Five were standing right behind her.]
VIPER: Did you want us to save you a spot in line Tigress?
TIGRESS: I told you I don't have a question for Master Yao. Besides, somebody has to keep an eye out for threats.
SHIFU: [Walks by] An all-knowing master can hardly be taken by surprise. [Stops.] What's really troubling you?
[Po runs by, bumping into Shifu and Tigress.]
PO: [Laughing.] 'scuse me, a lot of questions, make a hole.
TIGRESS: Nothing, just doing our job. [Walks away.]
YAO: Come, come, who is next?
[A montage of villagers meeting Yao throughout the day, begins.]
APPLE CART DUCK: I bring you steamed apples with honey.
PIG CHILD: Uh, I collect pieces of bamboo that look like famous people. [Takes a stick.] This one is Mantis.
PO: The sound of one hand clapping. [Makes his hand slap itself.] Huh?
BUNNY CHILD: Uh, do butterflies remember what it was like to be a caterpillar?
PIG VILLAGER 2: Will I ever know love?
CRANE: [Hold out his wing.] Does this look infected?
[Shifu shows up, but walks off without revealing his question. End of montage. Taotie and Bian Zao show up in cheap disguises.]
TAOTIE: Behold the wonder of...
YAO: A villainous inventor in cheap novelty disguise, I love it! Very good, now your question.
TAOTIE: I was going to show you my... Okay, okay great. So, I have this Sphere of Unerringly Accurate...
YAO: I am aware of your ultimate weapon, you wish to know why it is not yet working.
TAOTIE: Oh no, no, I j-... I can handle it myself, I ju-... It's the rod calibration, right?
YAO: No. [Bian Zao smacks himself in the face.] Thank you for participating in the Wonder and Wisdom Exchange, have a wonderful day.
TAOTIE: What? No, one more guess! The pressure regulator? The pump-jam matrix?
BIAN ZAO: Can't you just tell him so he stops embarrassing all of us?
YAO: Rules, young Bian Zao. If you would have an answer, you must present a new wonder.
BIAN ZAO: Behold, the stench of failure. [Points to Taotie.]
YAO: [Sniffs.] Pungent! Very good. You must correct for the spheres oblong rotation by adjusting the fifth, sixth, and ninth rods, from the base, until they reach a concavity similar to the offset created by your control seat.
TAOTIE: Of course. I mean, I would've gotten there eventually, totally headed in that direction. You've humiliated me for the last time Furious Five. Today Taotie proves that technology is the true master, and kung fu is still...
[Tigress kicks Taotie in the face and he goes tumbling down the stairs. Tigress follows him. Down the way a little more, Po waits in line.]
PO: Bees, seriously, what's their deal? [Writes on a scroll.]
[Taotie goes rolling by. Po turns and Tigress crashes into him.]
BUNNY VILLAGER: I brought the master a curved piece of wood.
PIG VILLAGER 3: Cool.
[Taotie smashes into the wood and it flings him off of the mountain. Po and Tigress watch as Taotie falls.]
PO: What did you do?
[Shifu and the rest of the five arrive.]
SHIFU: Tigress, what's happened.
TIGRESS: I don't know, why don't you ask Master Yao. [Walks away.]
PO: Okay, but it will have to be somebody else's question, 'cause I already have got a bee thing.
[Back at Taotie's house, Taotie continues working on his acupressure sphere. Bian Zao arrives.]
BIAN ZAO: Whatever, guess I'll just walk back from the Jade Palace.
TAOTIE: And just in time for the test-run, looky you! [Gets on the machine.]
BIAN ZAO: [Sighs.] Why am I even sarcastic?
[Taotie activates the machine. Steam comes out, then acupressure pins pop out of all sides of it.]
TAOTIE: Ha, the old fool was right.
BIAN ZAO: Then how is he a fool? Do you even listen to yourself?!
TAOTIE: Prepare for your ultimate ruin, Furious Five! For today you face the Sphere of Unerringly Accurate Acupressure. [Activates wooden cut outs of Po, Shifu, and the Furious Five, then destroys them all with the acupressure pins. Laughs evilly.]
[End of Act 1]
[Monkey is walking down Jade Mountain, when he bumps into Po.]
MONKEY: Again Po?
PO: I've only asked seventeen of my questions! Haven't even touched the subsection on action figure maintenance.
MONKEY: Well you'd better hurry, it's starting to get ugly up there.
[Up the mountain, villagers are starting to complain to others in the line, due to others already showing wonders that other people had planned to show. Tigress becomes more alert. The arguing becomes indistinct as more and more villagers start speaking. After a while, a pig breaks talks over everyone, and they become quiet.]
PIG VILLAGER 4: I got it! Master Yao, have you ever been hit in the face with a war hammer? [Holds up a hammer.]
[The crowd starts approaching Yao, and with the pig wielding a hammer, Tigress starts reacting.]
TIGRESS: Okay, we're done here.
[Tigress jumps in front of the crowd and kicks a wok into the air. She then walks over to Yao and throws him in the air.]
YAO: How thrilling!
[Tigress jumps and lands on the wok. Then she catches Yao and begins sliding down the staircase with him. Irritated villagers then follow the two. Tigress and Yao pass Po.]
PO: Master Yao? Is it sundown already?
[The running crowd trips Po. Tigress and Yao continue sliding.]
YAO: This rescue is marvelous!
[Tigress and Yao get to the bottom of the mountain and go into the village. Po follows the two, but is stopped when Taotie arrives in his Sphere of Unerringly Accurate Acupressure.]
TAOTIE: I'm afraid you're going no where. [Villagers run away.] Except on a very short journey to the land of defeat and shame.
BIAN ZAO: We're getting neighbors?
TAOTIE: We are rolling to the Valley of Victory, on board the Sphere of Unerringly Accurate Acupressure.
[Po looks at the device as if it's a joke.]
PO: You made a riding massage ball?
TAOTIE: It's not a massage ball! It's a weapon of unspeakable terror!
PO: Hey, send some unspeakable terror to my lower lumbar region. I got a knot like nobody's... [An acupressure pin strikes Po and he slaps himself.] Wha? [He uncontrollably slaps himself, repeatedly.] Stop! Hitting!
[Taotie makes another pin strike Po. This time Po starts slapping Shifu. He tries to control his hand, but he slaps himself and continues slapping Shifu. He then slaps Crane, Monkey, and Viper. Taotie falls laughing.]
SHIFU: [Blocks Po's hit.] Enough!
[Shifu throws Po, then he goes to kick the sphere. A pin hits Shifu and he becomes still.]
TAOTIE: I've spent years making detailed pressure point charts on each one of you. With one lil' strike from my Unerringly Accurate Acupressure rods: I can force Mantis to spin like a child's toy [Strikes Mantis and he starts spinning.], pretzelize Viper [Strikes Viper and she gets into a pretzel knot.], dance the Monkey [Strikes Monkey and he starts laughing and dancing.], bladder control [Strikes Crane and he puts his wings in front of himself and falls.]. In short, I've found the perfect weapon to defeat you. You!
[In another part of the village, Tigress runs across the rooftops with Yao on her back. They land on a roof and stop.]
YAO: Ooh, I've never hidden out from an angry mob before! What a wondrous new experience you have given me! Very good, now, your question. [Gets into a meditative position.]
TIGRESS: What? I didn't come to you for a question.
YAO: Yes, Master Shifu, the Dragon Warrior, and the rest of the Furious Five all took me up on my offer. Yet you did not, why is this I wonder.
TIGRESS: I keep telling everyone, I don't have any questions!
YAO: Of course you do. Is Master Shifu proud of me? Am I performing the Dipping Phoenix Twist Kick correctly? [Tigress' expression softens up.] Why am I so angry so often? [Tigress' eyes widen.] Ah, I have surprised you. Then perhaps you will answer me a question, why do you refuse to ask, what you wish to know?
TIGRESS: I... I...
[Po screams in the distance. Tigress jumps to a higher roof.]
YAO: That impetuous scoundrel Taotie has taken the Jade Palace with his mighty new weapon!
TIGRESS: You knew about this?
YAO: I know everything.
TIGRESS: Stay out of sight, I'll be back after I've rescued them.
YAO: This would be most unwise and entirely unsuccessful.
YAO: There is only one way for you to defeat Taotie's machine.
TIGRESS: [Jumps down.] And that would be?
YAO: I would be happy to answer that question, as soon as you bring me a new wonder to experience.
TIGRESS: What?! I... Ugh! [Picks up a rock.] Here!
YAO: I have seen rocks before.
TIGRESS: This one's gray.
YAO: Ooh good, but, I've seen that too.
[Tigress crushes the rock in her hand. In the Jade Palace Training Hall, Taotie has Po, Shifu, and the rest of the five shackled together. Taotie strikes them with the acupressure rods.]
[Po and Monkey charge each other and headbutt. Shifu gets struck and starts singing and dancing.]
SHIFU: Pretty dingle pony bacon wanna ride the chu-chu.
PO: Whoa, there's a pressure point for that too?
TAOTIE: [Rolls forward.] The magic of unerringly accurate acupressure, my dear flabby fool. I can make you do anything.
BIAN ZAO: And yet you still can't make me respect you.
SHIFU: Release us Taotie, you've had your fun.
TAOTIE: Sure, I've had fun. But who am I to be selfish? No, no, no, no. We're taking this acupressure puppet show to town! Let the entire valley see how my awesome machine, crushes your pathetic kung fu. [Laughs, then lower the control seat to Shifu's level.] I should point out, you will also be personally crushed.
[Taotie raises the seat back up, then he strikes Po and the four members of the Furious Five with acupressure rods. They then stack on top of Shifu.]
BIAN ZAO: You're gonna break your stupid puppet show.
TAOTIE: Art is suffering, son. Their suffering.
PO: You can't really expect us to keep this up forever!
TAOTIE: No, just until your bodies give out, and you die.
[Taotie strikes Shifu with an acupressure rod and everyone falls.]
[End of Act 2]
[Taotie rolls into the village on his acupressure sphere.]
TAOTIE: Ladies and gentleman, Taotie and son entertainment...
BIAN ZAO: Don't include me.
TAOTIE: ...proudly presents, these idiots.
[Po, Shifu, and the rest of the five take fighting stances with no control of themselves. Tigress watches from the rooftop.]
TIGRESS: Are you just going to let this happen? [Approaches Yao.]
YAO: It is not for me to interfere, I was shown a new wonder and answered a question. Where is your wonder?
[Taotie beats up Po, Shifu and the rest of the Furious Five. The rods make the masters starts beating each other up and moving uncontrollably. Po approaches a pig lady.]
PO: Ma'am, I need you to find Tigress or Master Yao, and them we... [Gets struck by an acupressure rod and kisses the pig for an extended period of time.] Gah!
APPLE CART DUCK: [Drops a bag and puts up his fists.] That's my wife!
PO: Uh, that totally wa-... [The pig kicks him away.]
[Tigress frantically searches for a wonder for Yao.]
TIGRESS: This roof tile.
YAO: I have seen roof tiles.
TIGRESS: [Points up.] The sky.
YAO: Yes beautiful, seen it.
TIGRESS: This other roof tile.
YAO: That is the same roof tile. [Tigress throws the tile in the air then strikes it, shattering it.] Ooh, hard style. Excellent for kung fu, not so good for people.
[Monkey and Shifu clap repeatedly, while Crane jumps and makes stupid noises.]
BUNNY VILLAGER: This parade is confusing and disturbing.
TAOTIE: You're right. The shows rambling a bit in the middle, let's cut straight to the points.
[Taotie strikes Po, making him walk up to a cart, throw it high in the air, and destroy it. Knives fall into Shifu and the rest of the five's possession.]
CRANE: I do not like where this is going.
[Meanwhile, Tigress still tries to get an answer from Yao.]
TIGRESS: Is there a point to this and, if so, can you make it a little quicker.
YAO: Forgive my fascination. They say that curiosity killed the cat, so how strange to see a cat, who's killed her curiosity. What did poor curiosity ever do to you?
[A 2-D animated sequence begins as Tigress has a flashback to when she was a child.]
TIGRESS: Why is the sky blue?
OX: Wow, that was a very stupid question.
[Tigress frowns and other children start laughing at her. Tigress sits in front of a bowl of soup.]
TIGRESS: How can soup be sweet and sour?
PIG: What an adorably stupid question!
[Tigress frowns as other children approach and start laughing at her. The landscape turns dark as other moments of laughter surround her until she is eventually consumed by the laughter. End of flashback. Tigress starts breathing heavily. She then closes her eyes tightly.]
YAO: [Walks over to Tigress.] The stoic Master Tigress displaying total and utter vulnerability. [Grabs her arm and starts jumping with excitement.] Ooh, a rare and precious wonder indeed! Very good. Now, your question.
TIGRESS: [Opens her eyes and looks to Yao.] How do I beat Taotie's machine?
YAO: A splendid question! First you will need, a box.
[Po, Shifu, and the rest of the five throw knives at each other. Monkey throws the knives at Crane, then he throws the knives away. Eventually Shifu catches the knives and starts swinging them around. Mantis grabs the knives and throws them over some villagers and at Po. Po narrowly misses Viper with the knives.]
PO: [Juggles knives.] I'm sorry, my body's just naturally awesome at throwing stuff. [Throws the knives.] Monkey look out!
[Monkey screams as the knives fly at him. Tigress jumps in front of Monkey and deflects the knives.]
[Tigress jumps on top of a pile of barrels, near Yao's meditation box.]
TIGRESS: Show's over.
TAOTIE: Finally, I wondered what happened to my last acu-puppet.
PO: Careful Tigress! His thing does-- things. [Taotie stares blankly.] I'll be honest, I've been if-y on the science this whole time.
TAOTIE: I'll bite, what's in the box?
[Tigress unlocks Yao's meditation box.]
PO: Hello, that's Master Yao's box! He's totally gonna come out and kung fu you so hard you'll...
[The box opens revealing it to be empty. Then Tigress steps inside and closes it.]
PO: Okay, truth bum. I was not expecting that.
[Everyone appears confused, except for Shifu, who smiles. The box shakes.]
TAOTIE: Yes! Hide in cowardice, for all will learn to fear and respect Taotie...
[The box goes flying toward the sphere and Tigress lets out a kung fu yell. The sphere flips around and Bian Zao falls out. Tigress lands in the box. The sphere slams into a building.]
TAOTIE: What are you...
[Taotie activates the rods and tries to hit the box. Tigress avoids getting hit and uses one of the rods to spin the sphere. Acupressure rods repeatedly jab the box and dust flies everywhere. Taotie starts laughing. Po, Shifu and the rest of he five become worried. The dust settles showing no damage to the box. Tigress then send the box into the sphere. The sphere slams into another building.]
[Tigress steers the box over the sphere. Taotie yells in slow motion, while Bian Zao only moans. Taotie use the acupressure rods to prevent the box from touching the sphere. Tigress lands the box some feet away and flips it on it's side. Taotie steers the sphere over to the box and becomes confused when it stops moving. Tigress now has the box under the sphere and is turning it. She then knocks the sphere off and leans on and starts spinning. The sphere is sent into another building.]
TAOTIE: Stop that! I acupressure-command you!
[Taotie shoots a acupressure rod at the box. Tigress uses the box to slam the rod back into the sphere. Tigress then uses the box to slam down on the sphere and destroys it. Taotie falls in front of Po, Shifu, and the rest of the five.]
TAOTIE: My Sphere of Unerringly Accurate Acupressure! [Runs over to the sphere, now a pile of rubble.] It's ruined, completely ruined. Except the one that wrecks your bladder control. [The working rod strikes Taotie and causes him to lose his bladder control and pee.] And there it goes again. [Falls back.]
[Po lifts the box out of the rubble and opens it.]
SHIFU: Well done Tigress!
PO: That was the most awesome... What was that? Box-Fu? Kung-Tainer?
[Tigress remains silent and sits in a meditative position. Yao winks at her. Tigress smiles.]
PO: Anyway, whatever, you can come out of your box now.
TIGRESS: Yeah, I know I can. [Steps out.]
YAO: [Watches Taotie peeing.] Abject humiliation ha! I love it!
TAOTIE: Great, then can you tell me how to stop this!
YAO: Certainly I can. You must... [The sky starts turning red.] Oh, alas, it is sun down. Our Wonder and Wisdom Exchange is over, bye-bye! [Steps inside his box and begins closing it.]
SHIFU: Do you need a best friend and can it be me?! [The box closes.]
TIGRESS: Hey, never hurts to ask.
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]